48 hours

03. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

I have 48 hours ahead of me with no real schedule. I’m not counting the weekend. I’m debating what to do with this time. I definitely need to do some prep for my classes, but I think I only need a couple of hours for that. I also want to continue my decluttering. And I need to do some rejiggering of my technology systems. Yesterday, I missed an appointment, which was mostly because I had it in my head that it was today. Had I checked my calendar on my computer, though, I wouldn’t have seen the appointment anyway. The appointment was only on my phone and didn’t sync with my web calendar. So I turned syncing on again, and moved my agenda to my main screen, so it’s the first thing I see. Because sadly, this is not the first scheduling snafu I’ve had. Mostly I end up double-booking myself (even triple-booking!). I used to pride myself on being organized about my time, but the last few months have been challenging in this regard. On the one hand, I’ve relied on technology to help, but I also need to remember to check or to otherwise have cues to check my schedule and I often need to do so more than a couple of hours in advance.

So, mainly, I want to continue the clean slate process so that things are set up better to avoid pitfalls, and, honestly, to not feel like things are slipping through the cracks. I don’t like being that person, and I’m not usually. I need to recognize, I think, that filling my schedule too much is unproductive for me, but so is not having enough on the schedule. I need time in the day to plan, think, etc. And I need down time, but not so much that I lose track of time, which is kind of what happened yesterday.

So I’ll spend the next 48 hours cleaning and straightening, planning and looking forward. On Monday, I want to come home and feel relaxed after my first day back, and not feel like I’m ready for another vacation.

First day

01. January 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

And so it begins! Last night, we enjoyed watching tv with Geeky Girl and her friend. The music was theirs, but they made references to older music, like MC Hammer, old Michael Jackson, and others. That sent us to Google and YouTube, where we watched Hammertime and Hungry like the Wolf. We made it to midnight and called our relatives. We were asleep by 12:30.

I enjoyed being online last night, seeing friends post to Facebook and Twitter. In fact, I’ve been thinking lately about being connected online. When I posted about Geeky Boy the other day, I didn’t just hesitate for privacy reasons, but also because over the years, my blogging has shifted to being primarily professional, as has most of my online activity. Back in the old days of blogging, we used to say that part of what was refreshing about blogging was the mix of the professional with the personal. It helped us see people as human.

Bryan Alexander has posted about returning to blogging. I think we started around the same time. I’m still reading so many of the people I started blogging with, and count them as friends, as people I’d look up if I were in town, and would hope they’d do the same. Nine years is a long time.

I also agree with Bryan about the ownership issue. I’ve owned this space for five or six years, at least. And while I love connecting via Facebook and Twitter, they own that space. I talk to kids about that when I do sessions on “Internet safety”. So many of them entrust their photos to FB and Instagram, and I ask them if they really own those photos. They’re surprised to find out they don’t.

Blogging for me has always been about connecting, but also about reflecting, about thinking out loud about issues, both personal and professional. I look forward to a year of doing more of that. Happy New Year everyone!

Blood is Thicker than Water

29. December 2012 · 5 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

This is not a statement most teenagers believe. It’s a classic struggle. The teen separates him or herself from the family by finding a group of friends to spend time with and pushing away from the family. Not every teen does this. Mr. Geeky says he didn’t really do that too much, but he says his sister was “raised by her peers.” I felt that to be true about myself, and I felt that my parents could have done things to prevent that. Looking back now, I know my parents were going through their own stuff and that just a year after I graduated high school, they were in the process of separating.

So I tried as a parent to provide reasons to believe the statement: having more family activities, spending more time with extended family, having more open lines of communication. To some extent we’ve succeeded, but not entirely. But I think I’ve done the best I can, because honestly, teens do need to have a peer group and they will be going out and making their own lives and their own families, and it is healthy to have connections outside the family. I know people whose primary, and sometimes only, peer connections are family. And that’s not good either.

I have only one or two friends from high school and/or college, people I connect with when I’m home or visiting their cities. One thing my kids don’t realize is that that might be the case for them as well. Family will always be there and can often provide a better safety net than friends. It’s also true that sometimes friends are more supportive than family. I know people whose families are unhealthy. But I also know that people with healthy families just seem more stable, and that it’s harder to launch into the world without the foundation of the family. But I see teens, both my own and some of my students, who sometimes think they’re just going to go it alone. And I see parents who are too involved.

So it’s a balancing act. And it’s a difficult one as a parent. You want to follow your child’s lead, but you also have the benefit of having been there and learned these lessons before. You don’t want your kids to learn them the hard way, but you can’t always prevent that from happening. Which is not fun to watch. But that’s what parents are for, to pick kids up and help them learn those lessons. And that role, I’m realizing, is going to last a long time.

Stuff happens

27. December 2012 · 26 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

I realize I disappeared for a bit. Well, stuff happened. I got permission to write a little about what that stuff was.

About a month ago, we ended up in the emergency room with Geeky Boy because he had called the suicide hotline. Luckily, he had called before he had even really thought through what he might do. Still, we were scared. We sat in the hospital for several hours waiting for the social worker. There were several people there in a similar situation. Finally, it was recommended to us that GB be put in a residential treatment program for teens.

GB’s depression was not new to us. He’s suffered on and off for years, having a major bout just last year. After getting on medication, it seemed the worst had passed, until this happened, and then we were right back at square one. Only worse. He spent two weeks in the residential program, and came home on Thanksgiving. It was a difficult transition, for all of us.

We worried that he would try to hurt himself if we left him alone. We worried about making him do his regular household chores. We had no idea what to do. We were given zero instructions. Do we let him go out with friends or not? Do we punish him if he’s late or not? Do we push him to finish his college applications or not? Do we keep him busy? If so, how? We had no answers. The normal answers we might have if he weren’t vulnerable didn’t work. Punishments sent him into a dark hole as did pushing him to do things.

The first few weeks, we spent a lot of time talking to him, which was hard. His view of the world and himself didn’t mesh at all with ours. We couldn’t force him to see things differently. We couldn’t force anything.

Things are definitely better, but we still worry. We’re still trying to feel comfortable with where he is, and trying to let him make his own choices and figure things out for himself. Which is hard for any parent of a 17 year old, I know. But most parents of kids this age seem to have some faith that they will come through in the end. Our faith in his ability to do so is not very solid.

Our biggest setback has been college. We’re days away from deadlines, and I honestly don’t know if they’ll be met. His depression has meant that, despite being really smart, his grades are not good. So his choices are limited. There are plenty of options still, but I worry what not getting into somewhere he really wants will set him back emotionally. I am prepared to help him come up with alternative plans for next year, probably community college and work. Yes, I’ve had to adjust my expectations–a lot. But believe me, I’ll take anything over not having Geeky Boy around.

Let the crap shoot begin

17. September 2012 · 3 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Yesterday, Geeky Boy and I hashed out his college application plan.  Mostly, it was me prodding him to do things.  He’s decided to apply early action to one place.  He has three other definite options, and he plans on adding two or three more that we likely won’t visit unless he gets in.  We’re using mostly the Common Application, of course, but two of his schools, state schools, do not use the Common App, and when he tried to sign up for the online application at one school, he got a SQL error.  Utter fail.  Not a good face for a school to put forward, frankly.  I’m annoyed that the state schools don’t use the Common App, but at least they should have a working application of their own, ya know? It makes me not want to apply.

We made a list of the things that need to get done, and set a two-week deadline.  They’re things like getting a new Naviance password (Naviance is the system high schools use to send transcripts, recommendations, etc.), ask for letters of rec from teachers and/or guidance counselors, and start crafting the essay. The main question on Geeky Boy’s mind, “What if none of these schools let me in?”  He Googled acceptance rates for all his schools.  They’re all quite high–70% or so for most of them.  One is around 40%.  I said, “It’s a crap shoot, really.”  He said, “So it’s like playing poker?”  ”A little. So you have to put your best cards on the table.” “I don’t like this metaphor,” he said. Me, neither.

I articulated this issue before, using exactly the same phrase, “crap shoot.”  But now here we are, actually have to make some choices and to let others make choices about Geeky Boy.  It’s nerve wracking.  I think the decision to apply early action was a good one.  He will either get in or he won’t.  If he does, it will take some pressure off, and even though it may still come down to money, that’s an issue we can deal with.  I can’t tell a school to please let my son in.

While I’d said how nerve wracking the process is for Geeky Boy, with his uneven record, I’m seeing seniors at my school with better records, agonizing about it just as much.  They may be stretching to try to get into a school they really want to get into.  They may end up disappointed with the schools that do let them in.  They’re not enjoying gathering all those materials together or writing essays about themselves. I realize there has to be a process, except for open admissions places, but it just seems like a lot to put on an 18 year old.  It definitely wasn’t like this 25 years ago when it was me.  I felt like–and my record was uneven, too–that I’d get in somewhere I applied.  Geeky Boy is not so sure.

 

Take the train

10. September 2012 · 3 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

A couple of weeks ago, we were in the car behind an older driver, who clearly was having difficulty. I said that when I got uncomfortable with my driving skills, I was going to take the train. We had a whole conversation about how my kids should gently let me know that my driving skills were deteriorating. I said, “Just tell me to take the train. I’ll know what you mean.” Moments later, I said something silly, so my family said, “Maybe you should take the train.”. So now they say that whenever I’m acting a little goofy. I’ve already heard it this morning if that tells you how goofy I sometimes am.

On a serious note, Mr. Geeky and I watched How to Live Forever, a documentary about aging mostly gracefully. Aging kind of sucks in our youth-focused society. The minute the wrinkles appear or you show up in comfortable shoes, you get the old label. I try to ignore most of it, but it’s hard not to. And I succumb too often to rituals and practices meant to keep the aging process at bay. Every morning, I stare down my wrinkled and aging eyes and sigh. I know those wrinkles were earned, in long nights up with kids or studying or preparing for class. But most people don’t think that way–about themselves or others. So I try to repair or cover them. At some point, I know I won’t care anymore. But in these middle years where I straddle youth and age, I can’t help but try to stay youthful. Someday, I’ll take the train, but right now, I want to keep driving my own car.

In the country

04. August 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

20120804-191410.jpgI’m in the country for a bit. Today, we canoed down a river all day. Our dog is running wild, playing with other dogs and chasing chickens. I have bug bites and I’m tired, but it’s all good.

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The hunt for college

02. August 2012 · 7 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

Geeky Boy is entering his senior year, which means that he’ll be applying to college in fall/winter. He has not been particularly proactive about it. Last year, he was struggling with depression so clearly had more pressing issues. Still, he managed to take SATs and visit two schools. Only one of those schools was one he proactively said anything about. I find it frustrating, but I’m trying to be patient. We visited a state school this week and he wants to visit some schools in the Boston area. So, I think he will have a nice list of schools to apply to. Still, the whole process is anxiety producing. For me, I worry about his not so good grades and where those will hurt him. They’re offset by good SAT scores. But will that be enough? Will some school see his potential? Is there a place that will be better for his success? It’s hard to know.

I’ve watched and am watching friends go through this too. They have the same anxieties even when their kids have a much “cleaner” record than mine. They see 18% percent acceptance rates and know that their kid doesn’t have any better shot than any other kid, necessarily, with a similar record.

And then there’s the money. Many of my friends, mostly academics, have little to no money saved up. So the school their kids ultimately will go to might depend on an aid package. We talk about loans, against our houses, for our kids. And we worry, about paying the loan off or paying our kids’ loans off. We worry about whether it’s worth it. We worry about whether they know what they want to major in or whether they don’t and whether that will net them a job. Geeky Boy isn’t thinking about any of this, really, some of it, maybe. Certainly more than I did. I just thought about having “the college experience”.

To some extent, it’s all a crap shoot, which is exactly what many of my colleagues said of the academic job market years ago. Look how that’s worked out. While I try to remain practical and know that there’s always community college as a truly viable and affordable option, I can’t help but feel like the deck is stacked against us, and by us, I mean most of us.

Thirteen

07. June 2012 · 3 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Geeky Girl has hit the teenage years! And, yes, if you’re keeping track, that’s two birthdays in the span of three days. Today was also commencement, which meant a very busy day indeed. Geeky Girl is living up to the geeky in her name, but she’s still in denial. She likes Star Wars and playing minecraft. She participated in robotics this year and was quite good at it, but she says she’s not going to do it next year. That makes me a little sad, both because I enjoyed the time with her and the shared experience and because I feel she’s missing out on an opportunity. But she’s her own person, and I have to respect that.

She’s also cultivating the girl side. She enjoys painting her nails, getting dressed up for parties, and watching girly tv shows. But she’s not obsessed with hair and makeup the way I’ve seen some girls her age get, in a desperate attempt to just grow up already. She’s still a kid, and still enjoys some kid-like things. She’s gotten herself a piñata for her birthday party and likes to play games.

She’s very different from Geeky Boy. She takes school very seriously, for example, but doesn’t yet take politics as seriously, she does share many of his traits. She’s kind like he is, and makes friends easily. She’s open to being friends with anyone, and doesn’t really think about who is popular or not. She will likely be quite different in some ways four years from now, but you can see the seeds of what she is likely to become. It’s a long road ahead. I hope it’s mostly smooth.

Seventeen

05. June 2012 · 4 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Geeky Boy is 17! I can hardly believe I’m old enough to have a 17 year old. How did this happen? It’s been a challenging year for him, dealing with depression. It’s definitely gotten better, though we’ve had some backslides. He’s had some friends really rally around him, and we’ve gotten good support.

Looking forward, he has a relaxing summer ahead, with family trips, college visits, and sitting by the pool. He’s chosen not to get a driver’s license for now, and instead walks, takes the train, or rides with friends. He’s hoping to do some babysitting this summer. He’s great with kids and even took a child development class last year. I hope he does get a few gigs, so he can maybe continue in the fall.

He’s thinking some about college, but we are certainly thinking about it more. I am trying to keep in mind that everything will work out without trying to feel anxious about whether he can get in anywhere and whether we can pay for it. And then I worry whether he’ll be okay out there on his own. And we all worry about whether there will be a job for him on the other side of college. That’s 2017. We’ll be long past the next president and into the one after. Who knows what that will bring.

I’m really proud of him in so many ways. He frequently pops his head into our room and starts off with, “I was watching this documentary on . . . “. Yesterday it was microcosms. Today it was dark matter. The first thing he said this morning was, “Are you going to watch the venus transit?” He’s always thinking. He lives our values better than we do. He’s a vegetarian, a borderline Buddhist, and worries about global warming. He is kind and thoughtful, and a generally good person. Whatever happens in the future, I feel confident in who he will become.

Let’s just say I had no idea what I was getting into 17 years ago.

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