Being Happy

01. March 2010 · 2 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags:

Laura posts on the industry that’s grown up around “happiness.”  One of the latest books in this industry is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I’ve been reading Gretchen’s blog for a while now, since before the book came out.  I actually have a small collection of similar blogs that I label “Personal Development.”  I don’t agree with everything in Gretchen’s or any of these blogs, but they often have posts that give me interesting ideas or help me to refocus.  I told my dad about The Happiness Project book and he immediately downloaded it onto his Kindle.  He likes it so far.  After going through a tragedy like he has, I think it helps to remember the little things that bring you joy. We’re cut from the same cloth, me and my dad.  We’re always trying to improve ourselves, our minds or our bodies or both.  Trying to be happier or healthier is, for me, about taking things to the next level.

Laura references a TED talk that she had referenced before and that I watched when she did.  It focuses on the relationship between cultures where people live a simple life surrounded by friends and family and longevity.  To live longer, it suggests, we need to do more physical activity, like farming and laundry and walking to the market and spend time with people we care about.  As Laura suggests, we’ve gotten a long way from this kind of life.  Like her, I sometimes fantasize about moving away to a farm.  But I figure I’ll be as isolated there as I am here.  Here, I’m isolated in part by the technology that takes people to jobs far away or jobs online.  Leisure time is spent inside in front of the tv or again, via car, to places elsewhere.  As I’ve been trying to simplify my life, I’ve tried to moderate my use of those technologies.  Yes, the Internet keeps me connected, but being online all the time doesn’t always make me happy.  I recognize at times that I’m filling a gap with mindless online activity rather than finding something more productive to do.  I’ve been without the Internet all day.  I wrote in the morning, then I worked out, called about the Internet outage, and then spent over two hours cleaning the kitchen.  I mean really cleaning the kitchen: wiping down cabinets, scrubbing walls, mopping the floor kind of cleaning.  I listened to music and sang out loud while I did it and it actually made me happy.

No, I don’t always know what makes me happy, and cleaning the kitchen wouldn’t always make me happy.  But I like books and blogs that prod me a little to pay attention to what does and doesn’t make me happy.  Too many people plod through life, going to work, trying to get ahead, and not thinking at all about what they’re doing.  I follow Socrates: the unexamined life is truly not worth living.

A Happy Marriage

05. February 2010 · 3 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Regular readers of my blog might have noticed the way I compare myself to others and/or compare my life to some imagined life I might have had if only . . .  I talk about those things mostly as a way of purging them from myself, of recognizing that it’s somewhat silly to make comparisons.  This post from Gretchen Rubin, an interview with Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, reminded me of something I don’t find myself making comparisons about: my marriage and my spouse.  I don’t tend to look out in the world at other men and think, if only Mr. Geeky dressed or looked or acted or worked like him.  Mr. Geeky is who he is, and I love him. He’s far from perfect.  I’ll spare you the details, but most importantly I’m not perfect either.  There’ve been many times I’ve said, “How the hell do you put up with me?”  As Gottlieb says in her interview with Gretchen, “happy people are grateful that they’ve found a person who has decided to spend his life with them, despite all the compromises he’s going to have to make, too!”  While we sometimes mention the quirks in each other that we put up with, mostly they’re unsaid.  Why bring up flaws that we mostly can’t do anything about?

Similarly, though our marriage has not been without some drama, mostly I compare our relationship favorably to everyone else’s.  When I see a couple that seems happy, I don’t think, oh, I wish we were like them.  Instead, I think, we’d probably be good friends because we’re both happy in our marriages.  The discontent, the arguments, the flaws that occasionally stand out pass away quickly.  And when issues arise, I know they’re going to pass and am better able to deal with them because I’m thinking of them as temporary problems in need of a solution rather than permanent damage to our relationship.  It’s a nice feeling, really, when a lot of other things in life are filled with uncertainty.

Why aren’t we happy?

22. September 2009 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags:

After Laura pointed out Maureen Dowd’s piece on women and happiness in the New York Times, I hopped over and read it. And read Ariana Huffington’s and Marcus Buckingham’s, who’s going to write a series of posts based on his book, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently.

I think about being happy a lot, mostly because I really want to be happy as often as possible. I started reading Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project blog, though I haven’t yet been as prescriptive as she is about being happy. I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Generally, I’m happier than I was a year ago, which is a good thing. My job was making me unhappy, and so I left it, creating, as Buckingham puts it, some imbalance in my life. He says that imbalance is good, that women should focus on doing the things that make them happy and not try to keep every ball in the air for an equal amount of time. That sounds right to me somehow. With the stretches of time I now have, I have the luxury of doing what I want, and I’ve taken advantage of that, and it’s made me feel better about my life.

That said, there are certainly times when I question what I’m doing, when I don’t feel so great about where I am and where I’m going—more often feeling down about the present than the future. I’m the ultimate optimist.

So here’s some thoughts about things that make me unhappy:

  • When my kids are unhappy or unsuccessful. In other words, I feel their pain. When they struggle or fall, I immediately feel like I’ve let them down. I worry about what I can do to help them not make the same mistake again. The thing is, kids will make mistakes. I shouldn’t let them affect me the way I do, but I do.
  • When Mr. Geeky and I aren’t spending enough time together. This is something that kind of sneaks up on me. We used to try to do date nights, and of course, we got the opportunity to go to Paris alone, but things slip and before you know it, weeks have passed where we haven’t been able to have a conversation with each other. Unlike the first item, this is easy to fix. We just have to be consistent about it. It’s hard when life gets busy, but obviously, it makes me happy, so I should focus on it.
  • When my work is not appreciated. I like to be thanked when I do something, especially when I’ve put considerable effort into it. My kids almost always thank me for making dinner and their lunches. They like my food! But no one thanks me for doing the laundry or mopping the kitchen floor. So I’m not motivated at all to do and it actually makes me unhappy to do it. Hint to Mr. Geeky.
  • Related to above, when I feel like I’m the only one doing the work or who cares about it being done well. This applies most obviously to housework. If the kids and Mr. Geeky don’t pitch in, I start to feel like the hired help instead of contributing family member. But it can happen at work, too. I used to get frustrated when I’d go to meetings and be the only one who had prepared. For you academics out there, think about the service work you do and think about when it seems like a colleague never has to do any.

That’s really about it. And I feel better just for getting that down. Weird. I might actually read Buckingham’s book. I’ve read other things he’s written and have generally liked them. I don’t think I need to do any dramatic rethinking of my life, though I am intrigued by the idea of imbalance vs. balance, which would be a huge change in philosophy for me. I can always use some tweaking, though.

Please consider donating to my efforts in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure

Money Can Buy Happiness

09. March 2009 · Write a comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Gretchen Rubin has been writing a series of posts that outline 10 happiness myths. Today’s is Money Can’t Buy Happiness. She argues that it can. As people are losing their jobs or seeing salary cuts and experiencing depression as a result, it seems obvious that money does buy some happiness. I agree. When we were young and poor, one or both of us in grad school, we were constantly running into situations involving money that made us unhappy. It was not fun to juggle bills, to put off much-needed car repairs, or eat meals made up of whatever canned goods are left in the cabinet. I can remember days of going to the mall just to have something to do and being thoroughly depressed because I couldn’t buy so much as a cup of coffee.

We’re way past that now, and boy, am I glad. Having enough money to buy the essentials and pay the bills on time is a blessing. But, we have taken steps backwards financially over the years. Moving here was one such step, and my recent decision to quit was another. Both decisions, despite the financial setbacks, were made to make one of us happier. And I’d say that both decisions were good ones. We may have to think a bit more about purchases, budget a little more carefully, plan longer into the future for even small things, but all in all, the stress of having to do that is minor compared to the stress of working in a job that no longer appealed and that took me away from my family more than I wanted it to.

As Gretchen suggests, even though money may be a bit tighter than usual, I still spend money on little things that improve my life. I’m not a regular coffee shop patron, but every once in a while, I like to sit down with a latte and a muffin. I like bubble bath and magazines and books. Those are all things I could give up if I had to, but they’re also things that make me pretty happy with just a small investment of cash. And, of course, there are things that don’t cost money that make me pretty happy, too. But sometimes, a few bucks will buy a little joy.

Please consider donating to my efforts in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure