Geeky Mom

Mommy and Non-Mommy Friends

Laura — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:32:29 +0000

I think the New York Times stole my idea. On Motherlode, there are two posts that are an interesting contrast. In one post, the writer abandons a friendship with a childless friend and seeks out the moms with whom she feels more comfortable and can relate to. In the other, the writer realizes that just because you both have kids doesn’t mean you should be friends. I fall into the latter category. When Mr. Geeky took his first job, the wife of one of his colleagues invited me to join a “mommy” group. I enjoyed the group, but only established a friendship with one or two of the 30 or so women who were members. I, too, got tired of talking about what my kids were doing developmentally all the time. I wanted to talk about my work, my passions, my interests. And the women I got along with best in that group were the ones who’s children were oldest. One woman told me at some point that even though I didn’t look it, I seemed much older and wiser than I was. I took it as a complement. My closest local friends include both parents and non-parents. I also have quite a few male friends, and interestingly, when I look back at high school and college, I was closer to more men than women as just friends. Among my parent friends, though we do often discuss our children, we spend plenty of time talking politics and current events and about other interests. That’s what maintains a friendship, not having kids the same age.

Friendship Follow-up

Laura — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:14:40 +0000

Thanks to everyone who commented on yesterday’s post. It is nice to know I’m not alone, but I feel sad that there are others of you out there that struggle with the same thing. So, two things I’ve done today. One, I found this book, The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore and I have it on my wish list. Maybe it will help some of you out there, too. Two, I contacted two friends that had asked me about getting together while I was away at home. So, there ya go. There’s more work to be done in this area, and those of you who have offered a friendly ear may hear from me soon. And, if any of you want to do the same, I’m pretty easy to find. I’m also considering calling up a couple of friends who live close by to see about having drinks or something. And I have some other possibilities as well. As bj said in the comments, I think I need to make it a project or I’ll just be sitting around by myself for a while.

Friendships

Laura — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:33:06 +0000

I don’t know why I’m obsessing over this, but I am. I’ve spent far too much time on Facebook lately and when I do, I see the old friends from college and high school posting photos of recent gatherings, chance encounters, and regular parties. They’re still friends. Some live far away and some live near each other, but still they’ve maintained their relationships. I have to admit, it makes me just a little sad seeing that, feeling like there were things I did in the past that prevented me from forming a bond with people that would last some twenty years later. I’ve always been slow to make friends. I’m not shy or anything; I’ll easily strike up a conversation with anyone at a party. The harder part is finding people I can laugh with, get advice from and call up in good or bad situations. I haven’t had that since my first time through grad school. Once I got married, it seems, everyone assumed that Mr. Geeky filled that role. And he did/does, but he can’t do it all.

The sad thing is, I think it’s me. There are ways I’ve structured my life, values that I hold that make it difficult for me to keep friends. For example, we’re not church goers. Being non-religious not only cuts one off from the instant community to be found from going to church services and events, but it often means that people feel distant from you, feel like there’s something off about you because you’re not religious. And, I admit, that I sometimes have issues with people who are religious. Not most people, but some. Some people I’ve met are just “in your face” about their religion. Obviously, that’s not a relationship I’m going to pursue and vice versa. Not working outside the home makes things difficult, too. I formed lots of friendships at work and because of where we worked, we shared many of the same interests and values. That leaves making friends rather randomly. I have met plenty of people through my kids, and I find almost all of them pleasant people that I’d be willing to get to know and spend more time with. But many of them have solid friendships already. There’s no room for another. And how the hell does one go about this. Ugh. I feel like an idiot just writing that, but whatever. In high school, college, even grad school, it was easy enough to call someone up and say, hey let’s grab a drink. At work, that was easy, too. Now, it just feels awkward. At least for the solo outings. Inviting another couple out for dinner or having people over for a party is no problem.

So, to sum it up. I have issues. I have few opportunities to make friends. And I might be a little picky myself. Sigh.

Meet Gracie

Laura — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 12:40:24 +0000

In case you’re not following me on Facebook, here’s the latest addition to our family, Gracie. She’s a tiny little thing and yet, the cat is still in hiding. We think she’s a mix of Italian Greyhound and Bichon-Frisse. But we don’t know. We went to 4 or 5 different shelters looking for just the right dog. We ended up visiting our most local shelter one more time on Saturday and saw Gracie. She had just come off hold (waiting to see if anyone claimed her), so she hadn’t been there on Friday when we visited. We took her out for a little walk around the grounds of the shelter. She was very spunky, very excited, but not insane. She barked a little at some other dogs, but mostly in a “hello” kind of way. We had a dog who would go insane when she saw other dogs. So, we decided to take her home.

At home, we’ve had a few house training issues, but not much. And last night, no accidents at all, so I think she’s figured out where she’s supposed to go potty. She has a couple of toys, her favorite being a llama that she likes to make squeak. She’s actually a pretty calm dog and is content to sleep in someone’s lap when nothing else is going on. We have some leash issues. She’s a puller, but we’re hoping to work those out, too. We’d also like to teach her to sit and stay and other basic things. Our last dog was not particularly well behaved, having grown up while we were in grad school and had little time to tend to her. I’m hoping to have a slightly better behaved dog. So far, she’s managing just fine.

Entrepreneurship

Laura — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:44:58 +0000

Geeky Girl has decided to start a business. This is in part a reaction to the book I got her while I was away, A Smart Girl’s Guide to Money. In it, there are ideas for businesses to start, like babysitting or dog walking, and an explanation of profit. So, Geeky Girl spent the better part of yesterday trying to decide what business to start and then calculating her profit. She figured out how much her supplies would cost, set a price for her product and then determined her net profit. She then hired Mr. Geeky and offered him a 10% cut. And she’s giving me a 10% cut to go towards my walking fund. I’m pretty impressed that she’s gone to so much trouble already. Her business? Selling cookies. So, last night, she got out cookbooks, selected a couple of recipes, and made a shopping list. She also made a sign to put on her booth. The plan is to set up at the street corner. I’m hoping at the very least to keep that entrepreneurial spirit alive.

Schools and Wealth

Laura — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:07:14 +0000

There’s a really interesting conversation going on over at 11D about moving to a wealthier neighborhood to take advantage of the school district. The issue is that doing so might bring with it the need to fit in, both by the kids and by the parents, through clothing and other worldly possessions. We recently had this conversation, not about moving, but about attending private school after Geeky Girl expressed an interest in doing so. After we figured out a way to cover the cost for tuition, we immediately jumped to thinking about the people we’d be surrounded by. I’ve learned to live with the fact that our income doesn’t go as far here as it would in other places we’ve lived, and we chose our current neighborhood in part because we were surrounded by people whose income is roughly the same and whose values seem roughly the same. That is, they’re not interested in having fancy cars, perfectly manicured lawns, houses designed by interior designers, or designer clothes.

Yes, the private school down the street is “better” by some objective measures, but I’m not entirely sure it’d be better for our kids. Better academically maybe, but would their self-esteem take a blow when they got a lot of flack for not wearing designer jeans or driving a Lexus. I care not a whit about Uggs or Chanel sunglasses or whatever, but I do sometimes long to be able to travel more, to remodel my house exactly the way I want it, using high end materials instead of cutting corners, to be able to buy a new car. We can do those things, but not as often as the people who live in the next zip code and certainly not without some planning. We lived in that zip code briefly, and at one point at a play date, we were invited to a summer home where we might be able to hobnob with the Reagans. We could never have reciprocated, and that would have made me feel icky (as would hobnobbing with the Reagans, but that’s another story).

On the other hand, I’ve got a few advantages thanks to a generous father and some other friends. We go on vacation every summer without having to pay for accommodations, which makes a huge difference. We’d never be able to travel to the locations we do without that. Or we’d do it less often. We have friends who live overseas who’ve offered accommodations as well, again cutting the cost of trip nearly in half, making it more likely that we can travel there. And, it’s likely if I went back to work, there’s much more we could do financially since we’ve adjusted our habits to suit a single income existence. I think we’re doing okay by the kids. No, they’re not in the very very best schools, but they’re pretty damn good and living near a city gives them many advantages that we’d never have if we lived somewhere that would allow us to afford a Lexus. We’re doing the best we can, and I’m satisfied with that for now. But, I totally get the angst Laura and many of her commenters express. I have it, too, every once in a while.

Money

Laura — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:35:49 +0000

I’ve been tweaking our financial situation over the last few weeks following the suggestions in Elizabeth Warren’s All Your Worth, which I think I mentioned, but can’t find that post at the moment. So, I started by tackling home and car insurance. I’ve been actually talking to insurance agents, and I’ve been proud of myself for saying to more than one, “I’m sorry but buying from you is more expensive than what I have right now. See ya.” I think I have something good lined up, and will find out for sure sometime today, but it’s been a time-consuming process. Most of us, I’d wager, don’t pay too much attention to total amounts paid for either of these pieces of insurance. And I’ve found that people display their prices in weird ways–sometimes monthly, sometimes bi-annually, sometimes yearly–so it takes work to make sure you’re comparing apples to apples. I don’t think I’m going to save thousands of dollars annually, but a few hundred, possibly.

I also transferred a balance from one credit card to another with a low interest rate. All my cards, whether I’m carrying a balance or not, (I only have the one I transferred that has a significant balance) have interest rates approaching 30%. Can we say loan shark? Cause seriously? This is crazy. These people have made lots of money off of me over the years (I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s true). We pay on time. We’ve paid off most of them, but still use them on occasion, and we get no break whatsoever. Thanks for being a great customer; we’re gonna raise your interest rate now. I remember the days when they raised our limits and lowered our interest rates. My plan is to pay these all off in the next few weeks. It’s a pretty small amount, but not an amount I regularly have lying around, so it takes a bit of planning.

My next step was to deal with savings and investments. As Warren points out (and nearly every financial adviser does), just paying off your credit card debt is a form of savings. The money you were putting into paying that off can now be put into a savings account. We have a basic savings account that is now earning us very, very little in interest. The account serves as both an emergency fund (which we’ve used in the last couple of years) and a college savings account. We can pay for about a week of college with it. Besides our 401(k) accounts, we have no other investments. I’m terrified of investing in anything, especially after what happened just a couple of years ago. I lost something like 30-40% of my 401(k) account. And since I can’t contribute to it anymore (need to roll that over–gah!), it will take a while (if I leave it where it is) for it to regain its value. Same for Mr. Geeky, though at least he’s contributing to his account. So, following Warren’s advice again, I decided to start a small investment account, investing in index funds. So I did this all online, doing a lot of research to figure out what company to sign up with. And then yesterday, the company called me to make sure I was doing okay and if I had any questions. And I think I freaked out the guy because I was pretty clueless. Unlike with the insurance, where I could just say, sorry you’re too expensive for what I want, I couldn’t just say, “Look, all I want to do is get a simple index fund.” I did mention that, and he said they had plenty of those, but then he asked, “What are your financial plans?” And I said, “Well, they’re kind of vague.” And then he put me in touch with a financial planner, which I think we’re going to pay a visit to next week. Mr. Geeky actually agreed to this. We’ve avoided it because we felt like our financial situation was too simple to require one. But it’s getting more complicated by the day. Retiring, paying for college, and other financial needs and wants are closer than ever.

I was telling Mr. Geeky that the guy on the phone seemed surprised about my financial uncertainty, and we both agreed that we didn’t really know anyone who seemed to be on top of their financial game plan. Maybe this is a problem with academics, who often have salaries that don’t give them enough money to invest in anything outside of their retirement plan and who have pensions and other benefits that mean they don’t have to do a lot of the planning themselves.

The next semi-financial thing I’m doing is setting up a will. And yes, I know I should have had one a long time ago. I’m just now realizing I’m a real grownup. Mr. Geeky even agreed to this move, something he, too, has avoided over the years. So, hopefully, we’ll have an appointment for that next week as well. It’s not exciting stuff, for sure, but it feels good to be taking care of some of these things.

We will never be perfect on the financial front. We just don’t have the time or interest to invest in managing our money, but we can probably do a little better than we are currently, and maybe leave the kids with a little something and be better off to help them when they’re getting started in their own lives. And yes, I feel old saying that.

Page 200

Laura — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:43:27 +0000

I’m two hundred pages into my book project. I think I’m nearing the end, though I’m not sure how many pages that will be. Could be 10. Could be 50. We’ll see. I know there’s a lot of revision ahead of me, but I feel pretty damn good about finishing a project like this.* I’ve started things and never finished them, put aside because my interest in them could not overcome the obstacles that preventing me from finding the time to work on them.

I’m planning to set up a separate site for the project, building a kind of platform for it, posting some excerpts as I work on them. So look for more info soon.

*I’m assuming I won’t dump it at this point.

Happy Birthday!

Laura — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:37:05 +0000

Today is Mr. Geeky’s birthday. He’s still a little under the weather, but we have a meatloaf dinner, cake, and other festivities planned. Should be fun! Related posts:Happy Birthday Mr. Geeky Birthday Gratefulness They Say It’s Your Birthday Related posts:

Being Happy

Laura — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:17:34 +0000

Laura posts on the industry that’s grown up around “happiness.” One of the latest books in this industry is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I’ve been reading Gretchen’s blog for a while now, since before the book came out. I actually have a small collection of similar blogs that I label “Personal Development.” I don’t agree with everything in Gretchen’s or any of these blogs, but they often have posts that give me interesting ideas or help me to refocus. I told my dad about The Happiness Project book and he immediately downloaded it onto his Kindle. He likes it so far. After going through a tragedy like he has, I think it helps to remember the little things that bring you joy. We’re cut from the same cloth, me and my dad. We’re always trying to improve ourselves, our minds or our bodies or both. Trying to be happier or healthier is, for me, about taking things to the next level.

Laura references a TED talk that she had referenced before and that I watched when she did. It focuses on the relationship between cultures where people live a simple life surrounded by friends and family and longevity. To live longer, it suggests, we need to do more physical activity, like farming and laundry and walking to the market and spend time with people we care about. As Laura suggests, we’ve gotten a long way from this kind of life. Like her, I sometimes fantasize about moving away to a farm. But I figure I’ll be as isolated there as I am here. Here, I’m isolated in part by the technology that takes people to jobs far away or jobs online. Leisure time is spent inside in front of the tv or again, via car, to places elsewhere. As I’ve been trying to simplify my life, I’ve tried to moderate my use of those technologies. Yes, the Internet keeps me connected, but being online all the time doesn’t always make me happy. I recognize at times that I’m filling a gap with mindless online activity rather than finding something more productive to do. I’ve been without the Internet all day. I wrote in the morning, then I worked out, called about the Internet outage, and then spent over two hours cleaning the kitchen. I mean really cleaning the kitchen: wiping down cabinets, scrubbing walls, mopping the floor kind of cleaning. I listened to music and sang out loud while I did it and it actually made me happy.

No, I don’t always know what makes me happy, and cleaning the kitchen wouldn’t always make me happy. But I like books and blogs that prod me a little to pay attention to what does and doesn’t make me happy. Too many people plod through life, going to work, trying to get ahead, and not thinking at all about what they’re doing. I follow Socrates: the unexamined life is truly not worth living.