Weekly Update 4: School’s Out Edition

21. June 2010 · 1 comment · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Tomorrow, the kids finally–finally!–are done with school.  I’m not entirely sure why school dragged on so long.  People are claiming we didn’t even use all our snow days, so that doesn’t quite explain it.  Of course, Labor Day was late this year, so that partially explains it (given that school begins the day after Labor Day).  It’s really been kind of silly.  Geeky Girl hasn’t done all that much for at least a week.  Geeky Boy does have exams, but things seemed to slow down the last week or so, with little homework.

We’re looking forward to some much needed rest and relaxation.  In the next couple of weeks, we’ll be traveling a bit.  When we return, I’ll give you all the lowdown.  After that, we’re pretty much done for the summer.  We’ll squeeze in a visit to relatives late in the summer, but otherwise, we’re going to just be hanging out at home and the pool.  I’ll be doing a little bit of work to prepare for classes in the fall, but I’m not that concerned, given that I’ve already done a fair amount.  I’m really going to try not to work too much before my official start date.  I know things will be busy enough once work begins.  We also have a lot of other things going on this summer, which I’m not quite at liberty to reveal just yet, but I’ll let you know.  In the meantime, stay cool, and I’ll be back with more news in a week or so.

Weekly Update 3: Housework edition

16. June 2010 · 5 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

There have been many, many discussions around the interwebs about housework and being, specifically, a scientist.  Mostly, the discussion has centered around the idea that women more than men worry about balancing work and life, about an equal distribution of labor in the house, and therefore they write about it a lot and articles about work-life balance are often directed at them rather than men.  Janet, aka Dr. Free-Ride, has a nice collection of links as well as a write-up of her own.

I think about work-life balance a lot.  I think about housework way more than I should.  When I think about them, I recognize the cultural norms I’ve internalized that make me care about that stuff more than Mr. Geeky does. And while I’ve become more comfortable about bucking those norms, they’re still there nonetheless.  The shift to my being mostly in charge of the house, whether I actually do all the actual work or not, has been somewhat gradual, but is also an effect of two main things: 1) upbringing (both mine and Mr. Geeky’s) and 2) the job market.

In the area of upbringing, both of us have similar experiences.  Our mothers were responsible for keeping house and taking care of children.  In my upbringing, a couple of things happened that shifted my experience away from the typical gender labor distribution.  First, when I was born, my father was in law school and it was my mother who went off to work to support the family.  My father stayed home with me when I wasn’t being cared for by paid help or friends and relatives, which during the summers, was almost all day.  Though I couldn’t bring any of the details of that time to life now, almost 40 years later, it certainly had an impact on me.  Second, my mother hated housework so that, even once she quit her job (when I was about 7), she outsourced the housework immediately.  I have very few memories of her cleaning.  She did do all the cooking and grocery shopping, but she mostly enjoyed those jobs.  And my dad, in addition to the standard yard work and taking the garbage out, would often roam around the house cleaning up clutter.  In Mr. Geeky’s house, his dad didn’t do anything (as far as I know from what Mr. Geeky has told me) outside of the standard male chores: garbage, yard work, home repair.  He did spend plenty of time with the kids as did my dad, though my dad changed quite a few diapers while Mr. Geeky’s dad never did.

So Mr. Geeky, while being a feminist, had as his learned experience within a household, the idea that the woman does the housework and the man goes to work and takes out the garbage.  Intellectually, he knew this was not always a fair arrangement, but from a practical standpoint, his muscle memory doesn’t automatically move him to do the dishes or laundry.  That said, when we were a young couple without kids, we did almost everything together–cooked, cleaned up afterwards, laundry, cleaning when friends came over.  It was only when kids got added to the equation that the work load got redistributed, and that’s where the job market comes in.

Everyone knows the humanities job market sucks and that was the market I found myself entering about a year or so before we decided to have kids.  Almost before I could plan a career, my career died.  There were no jobs for me.   And while, as I’ve said many times before and it’s the story of many an academic woman, I could have gone off to another place to pursue a different career, I opted to maintain my relationship with Mr. Geeky, take “just a job” and play it by ear from there.  Partly, too, because my career fizzled out, I was sort of adrift trying to figure out what to do.  I didn’t have enough information about my future to make any good judgements.  Many of the conversations I see that say, well, you (woman) should have put your career first or on equal footing with your spouse’s.  Well, if you don’t have any idea what career you want to pursue, that’s kind of hard.  Like economics, many of the judgements people make about careers and relationships and work-life balance assume completely rational behavior.  I’m only now becoming slightly more rational.

Individual couples make all kinds of different arrangements to make dual income situations work.  It’s true that sometimes those arrangements place more burden on the women than the men.  In our house, I stress way more about the housework than Mr. Geeky does.  I’m certain that some of that is internalized norms about judging a woman by the state of her house.  It is what it is and we just have to figure out a way to manage that.  Currently, this whole FlyLady thing is really working.  It requires no more than an hour of my day.  Because things are more organized, it’s very easy for me to delegate work when I need to.  It seems corny, but it’s true.  When I started doing this, I told my family, but didn’t expect them to do much of anything to contribute unless I asked them.  Here’s what’s really helping:

  • I keep the sink shiny, which means no dishes in it.  And when your sink is shiny, you feel like the counters need to be, too.  It just happens.  Mr. Geeky and the kids do kitchen cleanup after I cook and I’ve noticed a real difference in the quality.  When it starts out nice, no one wants to mess it up.
  • Unload the dishwasher every morning.  I do this while waiting for my coffee to brew.  It takes five minutes.  It means that I can stick dishes that accumulate throughout the day in (so they’re not on the counters).  If I’m not around, it means the dishwasher is empty and awaiting dishes from dinner, cutting down the work the kids and Mr. Geeky have to do.
  • Put in a load of laundry every day.  I do this after I’ve showered, which I now do shortly after Geeky Boy does or when he leaves at 7.  I put the clothes in while my second cup of coffee brews.  So far, there’s only been one day out of 14 where I haven’t had a full load of laundry to put in.  That should tell you something about the amount of laundry we generate.  I’m also able to easily ask someone else to throw a load in.  It’s great not to be doing six loads on the weekend and feeling like a martyr.
  • Fold and put away a load of laundry every day.  I do this as I’m getting ready for bed or have one of the kids do it.  Again, not having to fold and put away 6 loads or more over the span of a day or two makes it seem much less burdensome.

While I’m doing most of these things myself right now, it’s not burdensome, and it’s easy to delegate.  Things I’d like to delegate in the future include grocery shopping and cooking.  From my past experience working full time, I know that there are some nights that I just don’t feel like cooking and though I don’t mind grocery shopping, it would be nice to alternate.  So my hope is that we can come up with a plan so that at least a couple of nights a week, someone else is cooking and that Mr. Geeky makes every other grocery trip.  Aside from that, I really feel like the housework is manageable.  I took this on because it’s me that suffers most when things are not in order.  It was something I wanted to do for myself and it’s spread to the rest of the family and I will keep spreading it until I feel like things are equitable.  Philosophically, everyone is way on board with all of this.  Do I wish that Mr. Geeky was as passionate about making sure the house runs smoothly as I am? Sometimes, but I’m happy that he doesn’t work ridiculous hours, spends a lot of time with me and the kids, and does a reasonable amount of work around the house.  Nothing is perfect.  We do the best we can and when things feel out of whack, we renegotiate–and I am usually the one who has to initiate that since it affects me more.

As several people mentioned in the posts around the blog world, attitudes surrounding parental leave and household chores really need to change before there will be real equity.  Society still looks at housework and childcare as women’s work and that makes men reluctant to take it up wholeheartedly, even men who are in many respects, feminists.  Those societal pressures are bigger than all of us.  Equal pay for women would go a long way to make it possible for people to outsource housework and childcare.  Flexible work schedules, too, without repercussions, would be helpful as well.  And those are things that can be done politically, both at the national and local level.  And if men don’t want to blog about these issues, they can certainly vote and serve on committees and generally advocate for change.

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Weekly Update: Pain edition

09. June 2010 · 5 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Tomorrow I’ll be cleaning up in preparation for a visit from the in-laws, so I thought I’d throw something up now.  If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I have either a herniated or bulging disc in my neck, which is creating pain in my shoulder and down my arm.  I had a very nice visit at the orthopedic’s yesterday and they’ve sent me off for physical therapy.  I start on Friday.  It hurts to sit at the computer and type for very long.  I can do it in 20-30 minute stretches.

Apparently, I no longer do pain very well, or at least pain that prevents me from doing things that I want and need to do.  On Monday, I was very upset about my pain and when Mr. Geeky asked me if I was okay, I burst into tears and said, “No.”  I used to be a trooper about pain.  I barely flinched when I slammed my finger in a car door once.  Labor, no big deal.  Uncomfortable maybe, but really not too bad as far as I was concerned.  Now I’m a big baby about it.  I’ve been given permission to eat Advil like candy, which definitely helps.  I’m taking warm baths and icing and heating.  I feel confident I’ll be okay.  Unlike some people, I do tend to follow doctor’s orders.  Mr. Geeky also insisted that we get a mattress topper and new pillows, which we did last night.  We got memory foam and after one night, we like it.

On the very positive side, I was accepted to this workshop at MIT.  The acceptance rate was 18%.  I’m quite excited.  I have lots of ideas for what I want to do with my teaching, but I can always use more.

In addition, I’ve jumped on the FlyLady bandwagon, and so far so good.  I’m on day 7.  My main goal is to do only the baby steps for the day and ignore most everything else.  Some days, I’ll do the daily mission.  Today’s mission, for example, is cleaning out the fridge, something I need to do anyway, so I’m planning to tackle that after this post.  I also just left post-it’s for the kids to do some things when they get home.  My goal is to have this place running like a well-oiled machine by fall.  The best part about the whole thing is the idea of getting dressed first thing.  I had relished hanging out in my pj’s, but getting dressed–showered, hair done, shoes on and all–is pretty awesome.  I’m often done with any chores before 7:30, leaving me plenty of time to drink my coffee, catch up on news, and help Geeky Girl get ready.  I’ve always had a work first, play after attitude, but this takes it to a whole new level.  I also scheduled a pick up for all the clothes we’ve cleaned out in the last few weeks, so clearing out slowly but surely, on my way to that well-oiled machine.

Parties for this kids birthdays also take place this weekend.  Everything is arranged.  I don’t have to do anything except show up.  Next week is the last full week of school.  We’re all ready for a break and hopefully a restful summer.

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Women in Science

08. June 2010 · 5 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

Just popping up to say, this article makes me insane.  What do you all think?

Weekly Update 1: Birthday Edition

04. June 2010 · 2 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: , ,

Yeah, so I couldn’t even hold back for a week.  :) But seriously, I think once a week will work for me.  This time of year is always insane.  My kids’ birthdays are two days apart, Geeky Boy’s tomorrow and Geeky Girl’s two days later.  There are parties to plan, family dinners to cook, and often visitors to host.  When I was working, it was even worse because it was also the beginning of the summer program I ran.  No matter how much in advance I tried to plan things, there was always a lot of rushing around at the last minute.  This year, the parties and visits are postponed a week, but we are still doing nice family dinners plus dessert on the kids’ actual birthdays.  A few years ago, I had a kind of mini-breakdown on Geeky Boy’s birthday.  Though I didn’t say so in that post, I was stressed beyond belief.  I was basically doing everything I could to minimize my work load.  My job was sucking the life force out of me and that year was the beginning of my thinking about leaving.  I had begun to cry every once in a while over stuff at work.  I also cried over stuff at home.  I had some issues.  I am much, much less stressed today.  Yes, I find this time of year semi backbreaking and yes, as usual, I’m trying to do too many things at once, but I’m stepping back from it and not worrying.  I’m making sure that we at least have a nice celebration for each kid, that they get to feel special for a day, that they know we love them.

Today, I bought herb plants and a nice box planter to hang on the deck.  I spend almost every afternoon out there, sipping on an adult beverage.  Mr. Geeky joins me when he returns from work.  I’ve almost finished painting.  I’m suffering from some pretty bad back pain that I hope will be resolved during my massage tday.  It has, unfortunately, hindered me from working too much at anything.  I am in the process of learning all kinds of new things and honing my old skills in preparation for the fall.  I’m sure I won’t accomplish everything I want to, but I’m happy with the progress so far.  Yesterday, Mr. Geeky and Geeky Girl were away at a field trip all day.  Geeky Boy and I held down the fort, but then he went off to a pool party.  I skipped dog training class so that I could relax a little, have a beer and watch tv.  Just what my back needed, quite frankly.

Next week the inlaws descend to participate in birthday celebrations.  It’s always nice to see them, but of course, preparing for the visit is a lot of work.  I’ve started the Fly Lady baby steps.  Don’t laugh.  I need someone to just tell me what to do.  My sink is ridiculously shiny, and she’s right, it made me happy.

Time for a break

01. June 2010 · 11 comments · Categories: Uncategorized · Tags: ,

I love this blog.  It has honestly kept me going through some particularly tough times over the last six years.  Even as the comments have dwindled, just putting stuff out there knowing that someone might read it has felt pretty good.  These last couple of weeks, I have been quite busy in the lead up to getting my new job, about which I’m quite excited.  As I’ve spent less time in front of the computer, or at least on the web, I’ve been re-evaluating my time spent online (in case regular readers couldn’t tell).  I’ve tried to spend at least half my day completely away from the computer: doing housework, reading, or being outside.  I’m trying to set a good example for my kids, who don’t really see the difference (even though they’re both at an age where they might be expected to) between the intellectual work I do online and the playful things I do.  Given my career, I obviously can’t escape the computer entirely (and don’t want to), but I do think I need to spend more of my leisure time doing other things, preferably with my family, coaxing them into leisure activities that are not screen-based.

This blog, for me, is mostly leisure.  At one time, it contributed greatly to my professional development, and it may do that for me again someday.  But for now, I’m going to focus on it less and put my energies elsewhere.  I’ll be popping in from time to time over the summer, perhaps once a week.  But I’m no longer going to feel compelled to post something every day.   There’s at once not enough and too much going on for me to do that.  I will try to return to daily posting in the fall, but it may be the case that my work will not allow me the time to do that.  I’m still going to be reading people’s blogs, as that’s been a great pleasure of mine, and maybe, without my own blog to tend to, I can comment more. I’ll see you all on the flip side!