Comments on: Friendships

By: museyme

museyme — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:26:10 +0000

I so could have written this. When I started looking for a new job, this was one of the issues that I most worried about. After all, we were in our last location for about 7 or 8 years before I started to have friends there. Now, I am starting all over again and I hate it for all the reasons you said. I do feel fortunate, though, to have a few very good friends who are far away – at least they form a net for me if something happens. I just wish they were a lot closer.

By: Laura

Laura — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:17:30 +0000

Martha, you *are* my friend. You just live freaking far away! I could see regular martini time happening easily. I hear ya about being overwhelmed. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate and it seems like I don’t have time for friends. I keep thinking, though, that there’s gotta be someone out there who’s free during the day to go for a walk, have lunch out, etc. on a regular basis. Most of the moms I know that I relate to best work full time, and of course, that used to be me. And yeah, I don’t need a friend who’s too needy. Luckily, I’m not drawn to those type of people.

By: Martha

Martha — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 02:42:13 +0000

If I lived in Philly, I would SO be your friend. If you wanted to be my friend. Maybe you wouldn’t. Never mind.

Seriously, like others who have commented here, this is my life exactly friend-wise. I have three or four very dear friends from grade school and college who I keep in touch with but who live far away.

Locally, beyond the people I work with, I basically have no friends. I meet people occasionally who I think I’d like to hang out with but I convince myself they wouldn’t want to hang out with me.

My other problem, I think, is that adult friendships kind of overwhelm me sometimes. I mean, my kids, my family, my work take up an inordinate amount of time. I get worried that I won’t have enough to give to friendships and that will lead to uncomfortable encounters and expectations. I have had a handful of adult friendships which did completely overwhelm me, and I’m not really willing to go there again.

By: Laura

Laura — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:59:38 +0000

Jody, yes, I miss that casual acquaintance chit-chat, too. I experience that a little at PTO meetings, but I don’t know people that well there and frankly, don’t like the organization so am not willing to put in the effort. The people are fine, but I never see them outside of this situation. Bad, I know. I also wonder if weather has something to do with it. Now that it’s warming up, I’m out more and have seen more people around.

Eleanor, thanks for commenting. I think having two close friends is pretty good. They say it’s hard to have more than 5 or so, anyway. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, but I hope you find some way out of this situation.

Jackie, you are doing better than me, friend wise. My good friends live pretty far away. I would really like to find some friends who live a few blocks or streets away rather than in the next city over. Or worse, the next state over.

Sandra, I like your “be a host, not a guest” mantra. I think I fall into the guest role too often.

By: Jody

Jody — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:57:10 +0000

I was just thinking that I wanted to commit myself to a montly potluck meal again (the again being the commitment, not the follow-through). In the aftermath of the guns question, I was realizing that my local social network all connects through one person, and I want to commit myself to expanding the circle.

I’ve typed and deleted four paragraphs now, all of which are variations on: when I let myself think about this stuff, I feel lonely, too. (And I wonder whether the social isolation of being at home contributes. It’s not even friends, sometimes, that I miss. It’s the casual acquaintances who know me just well enough to ask how I’m doing in generic terms, and make idle chit-chat, and see me on a daily basis. I haven’t really had that since graduate school.)

By: Eleanor

Eleanor — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:08:12 +0000

Reading your post was like looking in a mirror. I don’t normally post comments, but this prompted me to break my mould, it’s so scarily accurate. One difference is that I am a church person, but even in a church family I feel an outcast, and find it difficult to make friends, so the grass isn’t always greener there. Some would say I’m in the wrong church, but its the one I grew up in, so I’d like to think I was accepted. I see my old classmates on facebook and all the relationships they have and sometimes I wish I had that. There are some friends online though that I haven’t added as friends cause I feel it’s just so superficial (they also haven’t added me). I have 2 really close friends from wayyy back and that’s it. We don’t see each other as often as we live in different continents, (makes having coffee hard) but when we do it’s as if we just saw each other yesterday. I’m a shy person… awkward with new people and never know what to say, so I struggle with making friends and my work and homelife don’t lend itself to meeting new people either. You’re not alone.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 05:29:39 +0000

I relate as well, from the non-churchiness to the watching wistfully as others seem to have that strong web of friendships that span decades. Especially since my husband is one of those with the web–I’ve managed to make connections with some of his friends, and they are wonderful people, but on my own? I’d say I have two, maybe three, really good friends that I can call to go out or just to talk, who live close by. This is where I make some useful point about the contrast between those three friends and the 300 I have on Facebook . I have a few good work friends too, but I feel a little wary of bridging the work-family life friendship divide, I guess, so I am horrible about inviting people anywhere. There are friends of mine on FB that I would love to have live closer, though.

By: Articulate Dad

Articulate Dad — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 03:09:59 +0000

Chiming in.. Not much to add… just thought i’d give voice to the masculine side that relates as well. And with home schooling now, the opportunity to meet people through our children is diminished. I guess that’s one of the reasons we joined a local synagogue, to feel a part of a community.

By: What Now?

What Now? — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 02:10:06 +0000

Oh, I hear ya on this one! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the ways in which D. has more and more stood in for all of those friendships I don’t have in my post-grad-school life, and how that kind of reliance isn’t healthy for a marriage. But it’s just so hard to make friends outside of school! I do have lots of very friendly colleagues at school, but few of those relationships seem poised to make the leap to after-hours friendships. And I’m shy about pursuing them, I’ll admit.

By: Megan

Megan — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:49:47 +0000

If you do consider sports, shoot for a league that targets newbies, over-30s, or some other designation that means you won’t be getting clobbered by former division III college athletes trying to relive their glory days. Yes, I speak from experience here. Or try a sport that’s less about brute power/speed and more about the mental aspects: curling, fencing, horseback riding, geocaching, etc. Actually, geocaching is a blast and fun for kids too!