I didn’t mind last week’s cold snap. As we drove across Pennsylvania to visit the in-laws, we marveled at the snow and giggled a little at how silly it was to have snow in April. But now, it’s gone too far. A two-hour school delay in April? Snow? In mid-April? This is crazy.
I’m of a delicate constitution. I grew up in the South, where we had winter–even snow–but by now, we’d be having 60s and 70s. There’d be absolutely no chance of snow. This is killing me.
Well, duh. Maybe instead of worrying about whether people are having sex, we should help kids learn how to do so safely.
I’m off to New York for the day and my brain is full.
Some things to spur conversation:
Have fun. See you Saturday.
Some of you may have read about or seen interviews with Leslie Bennetts, the author of The Feminine Mistake
Apparently, Bennetts has been hearing lots of serious disagreement from stay at home moms. In a post from March 31 at The Huffington Post, she expresses her disappointment at the rancor these women are expressing, especially without ever having read the book. I, too, haven’t read the book, so I won’t comment on it yet. I have read The Price of Motherhood
Naively, I assumed that once women were offered more accurate information, they would be eager to get it. After all, women aren’t stupid; it’s true that they’ve been deserting the labor force in record numbers, but surely the problem was just that unfortunate information gap. Wouldn’t they want to protect their own interests by educating themselves about the dangers that lie ahead — and to plan accordingly?
The thing is, I don’t think women decide to stay at home based on a clear analysis of the facts other than to determine that the family can afford for her to do so. I think most women decide to stay at home for emotional and personal reasons. They feel a real need to be with their children. They feel it’s the “right” thing to do. They are unable to find good childcare. Etc. I don’t think most of us make any decision by clearly analyzing the facts. If we did, I think the world would be a very different place. I also think, and Bennetts says this in her interview with Ann Curry, that the media (conceived very broadly to include most of what we read and see) plays a role in convincing women that staying at home is the “right” thing to do, that it’s wonderful and that children will suffer if we aren’t at home. Many, many of my friends are or have been stay at home parents. I wouldn’t want to deny them that choice and as I’ve said a number of times here, what I think should happen is for the workplace to be a more family friendly environment. There needs to be more part-time options, more of a sense that it’s okay for people to put their family first (and themselves!) when they need to. I remember Laura at 11D wrote a long time ago that sometimes work sucks and why should be push women to participate in the drudgery that most jobs really are.
I’m looking forward to reading the book and I’ll say more once I have.
It’s kind of funny that this is even a question, but for women with children, it is. I guess it should be a question for men with children, but it isn’t. I’ve been thinking about my recent post and stumbled onto another one with a similar theme. Before I was married, I never questioned whether I would work or not. I knew a couple of women from both high school and college whose goal was to marry, have kids and stay at home, but for most of the women I knew, the question of whether to stay home or work didn’t arise until after kids came along. For me, the question didn’t arise until pretty recently. When our first kid came along, I was our only income, so there was no question about whether I would work or not. I had to. I had a pretty heated argument with someone who suggested I was shortchanging our son by returning to work. I remember nearly shouting, “Well, who’s going to pay for our food and shelter if I don’t work!” I was pretty steamed. In hindsight, it wasn’t that I felt my adversary was right, but that I resented the dilemma in the first place. Somewhere inside I kind of wanted to stay home. After all, the job I had at the time was just for the money (and the insurance).
Back when my kids were little, I felt like they got good care. I didn’t feel like I needed to be there to read books or play or whatever. We did all that when we were with them and I knew they were getting lots of attention from their caretakers. Now that they’re school age and they’re not really getting anything special out of aftercare programs (or don’t even have aftercare programs), I feel more of a need to be with them, to help them with homework and to help them negotiate social issues that arise. This year, Mr. Geeky has been meeting Geeky Boy after school. On days when he can’t, he calls us and discusses homework and other things. Not ideal, but it works.
Despite the tug of wanting to be at home, I work for three main reasons. First, I work purely for my own personal satisfaction. I need intellectual stimulation. I need to be challenged. I need to be around people. I enjoy solving problems, thinking about issues, etc. I’m not creative enough to create that environment for myself at home. Second, I do it for the money. I enjoy the extra income, and for a long time, we actually needed it. We could probably get by now without it, with a few sacrifices, but I know I appreciate the buffer my income generally gives us. Third, I feel the need to contribute and chose my job accordingly. I think if I were just working for the money, I would not feel as satisfied nor would I feel as compelled to work. If I were a corporate drone of some kind or a salesperson or something along those lines, I don’t think I’d enjoy working. Being part of an educational institution and mission makes me feel like I’m doing some good in the world, even if it’s only for a handful of people. That’s not to say that I feel that if I’d been at home, I couldn’t contribute in some way. It simply reflects my own perception of how I need to contribute. I’m just not the type of person who could get satisfaction out of volunteering by itself.
In other words, my decision to continue working is an individual one and probably different from many other women. There may be women who work purely for the money and are satisfied with that. There are women who don’t work and are satisfied with that. It’s often a complicated decision for many people. A two income family juggles many things in order to make things work. A single income family may have to make certain sacrifices in order to make that situation work. And the world of work doesn’t make either situation all that easy. For one, there’s no in between really. Some jobs are inflexible and involve working long hours, keeping people away from their families and placing undue burden on the spouse at home (if that’s the situation). I feel lucky to have enough flexibility that I can take days off when I need to and could take plenty of time if something tragic happened. That, too, helps me continue to enjoy work, knowing that my workplace would want me to put family first when I need to. If only every workplace had that attitude.
This is what I’ve been doing for the last 24 hours. Hanging out with the nephews. Most of the time, things are relatively calm. At the moment, the older brother is having a breakdown, so I’m hiding in the bedroom.
I’m at my brother-in-law and his wife’s house, which is filled with kids, the oldest of which is 3. Since my youngest is 7, it’s an adjustment to be around such young children. I will admit to not really liking other people’s children until they get to an age where you can carry on a conversation with them.* I would have made a terrible aunt in and of itself. At least since I’ve had my own children, I can be understanding.
I have, unfortunately, a habit of comparing myself to these people. I have a habit of doing this more generally, but I’m particularly bad about it with these in-laws. So, I think things like, they have a bigger house than I do. And that depresses me, but then I have to remind myself that I have access to wonderful things like museums and other cities and great schools. And that their house would cost over 2 million in our area and they’d probably live in a smaller house if they lived where we do. I do these mental acrobatics over and over again. And I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just be and not worry whether I’m skinnier than her or smarter or a better mother or . . .
Mostly, I’ve been jealous of what they can afford. Before they had 4 kids, they would travel a lot, always had nice clothes and new cars and new furniture. And it kind of killed me. For one thing, they talked about it all the time as if everyone could afford such things. And for another, I grew up that way, but now, because of the career and location I chose, those amenities are more difficult for me to obtain. Once, though, when I was complaining to Mr. Geeky about their mentioning yet another trip or yet another purchase, he said, “Don’t you understand? She wants your life just as much as you want hers.” And it was true. She wanted children and I had them. For me, my life was fulfilled yet until I had settled into a career. For them, it was about the family. I had done the family thing almost without thinking as much as they had fallen into careers as doctors which afforded them a lifestyle I envied.
One thing about living where I do is that I’m often reminded of both ends of the spectrum. I drive through the area of 2 million dollar homes every day and I walk around a city where the homeless ask for money and in my own neighborhood, we are all the working and middle class, some of us doing better than others. I guess I’m very conscious of my class and of the class of those around me. On the one hand, I want to erase class boundaries. On the other, I’m all too aware of the invisible walls that often separate us.
I had a dream the other night which kind of encapsulates my anxieties about class. Mr. Geeky, Geeky Boy and I were standing around talking to a realtor discussing purchasing a home in a swanky area. The realtor glanced at Geeky Boy and said, “By the way, I hear that the schools have an excellent remedial reading program.” I flew into a rage and called the man an asshole among other things. The crux of my anxiety is that I will be judged for other things based on how I dress and what kind of car I drive and how big of a house I have, that people make assumptions about my intelligence or abilities based on surface things. I try my best not to do that to others, but I’ve certainly been on the receiving end of such judgments. I guess my visiting here brings these issues to the surface for me. For lots of complicated reasons, those issues are raw and sensitive for me. Maybe they always will be.
*Even then, my tolerance can wane. If they’re mean or annoying, for example. Luckily, this almost never happens with kids I know.
I printed it. I went to New York. I’m copying it and mailing it today. I did all the important things in New York. Went to the Museum of Art and FAO Schwartz. Wandered through Central Park, followed by dinner at Friday’s. Doesn’t everyone go to Friday’s when they go to New York? Geeky Girl completely passed out in the car on the way home. We walked at least 6 miles yesterday. That’s a lot for a 7-year old with short legs.
I don’t yet feel completely celebratory about finishing the dissertation. I am pretty sure I’ll be asked to do some revisions. I don’t think they’ll be major, but who knows. It seems like there’s always another form to fill out, which drives me crazy. Until there are no more of those, I won’t be satisfied. My defense is not scheduled yet. The earliest date is May 14. The latest date is July. So I could be hanging out for a few weeks or a couple of months. I’m hoping for May. I’d like to get this whole thing over with. Then, I’ll celebrate.
I think that later this afternoon or evening I may be able to announce that I’ve sent off my dissertation to my committee. I finally finished revisions on the final chapter. I fixed the figures. I spell checked. I double-checked the bibliography and appendices. I’m still working on the conclusion. I’m not sure entirely what to say, so if anyone has any tips about how to end a dissertation, I’d love to hear them. Right now, it’s a pretty short conclusion. I guess I just figured I’d said everything already.
Also this week is going to be less busy at work. I’m taking tomorrow off, possibly going to New York with the family or staying home with the kids while Mr. Geeky goes to New York. We haven’t decided yet. Later this week, we’re traveling to see the in-laws. I haven’t been there except for necessary occasions (i.e. funerals) in a long time. I might also see some old friends from grad school days. Some much needed time off sooner than I thought.
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