Geeky Mom

Today during lunch, I ran a bunch of errands and during the longest part of the drive, I caught most of an interview (mp3 file) with Kevin O’Keefe, author of The Average American. I came in during the part where he talked about how he’d changed his life as a result of writing the book. He’s slowed down and tried to appreciate what he has. He’s quit his job and moved to the suburbs. He talked about how average has become such a negative thing in America. We’re always working not be average, to have more money, a better job, a nicer house than our neighbors. We’re quick to want more. Barry Schwartz discusses this in the Paradox of Choice. How we get bored with what we have. There’s a real term for this, but I’ve forgotten it. I’m not so much bored with what I have as just so used to always striving for the next thing, accomplishing the next goal, that I fail to notice what I have.

I was looking back over my blog entries from 6 months and a year ago and realizing how much stuff I pack into my life. I honestly don’t feel frazzled most of the time, except when lots of things converge. But I think after I finish this degree, I’m getting off the treadmill for awhile. I’m going to be average for awhile. I’m not going to be writing a book or getting a doctorate or speaking at conferences two or three times a month. I’m going to do my job well. Travel with the kids. Take plenty of vacation time. I’m going to putter around the house. And then we’ll see where I am and where I want to be.

Geeky Boy is graduating from elementary school in just a few weeks. He’ll be receiving an award despite his struggles. He’s an extraordinarily smart kid and yet, in many areas, he does not make good grades. He’s disorganized, messy, and rushes through assignments because he doesn’t see the point. As his parents, we don’t really push him to make good grades for the sake of good grades. I have issues with homework and many of the assignments seem more like busy work than attempts at getting kids to learn anything.

As Geeky Boy heads to middle school and high school, however, grades become more important. His grades in middle school will determine what courses he can take in high school and his grades in high school will determine (to some extent) where he goes to college. Getting good grades at this stage means opening up opportunities. It’s hard to explain that to an eleven year old without making them feel too pressured. (As laid back as Geeky Boy is, though, I doubt he’d feel any pressure). While I feel grades are important, I hate that this is what he will be measured by (and the SAT and other such tests). It doesn’t really quite get at what he’s capable of (as his elementary experience shows). And too much focus on grades can mean not taking advantage of other opportunities.

The system doesn’t leave much room for mistakes. I did really well through middle school. In high school, faced with competing interests, mainly boys and alcohol, I stumbled, unable to juggle a life of fun with a life of good grades. My stumbling left me off of the top ten list and I never considered pursuing other activities such as student government (which might have kept my mind off the boys and the alcohol). I didn’t study for the SAT. In fact, if I recall, I went to a Police concert the night before. I got a good, but not stellar score. My grades and my SAT scores meant my “long-shot” school, Dartmouth, was out of the question and even Duke rejected me. But I went to a good liberal arts college and it was really a good fit for me. I thrived for a time, but then, stumbled again (alcohol and boys again) which landed me on academic probation. I worked really hard after that, both because I wanted to get out of academic probabtion, and because I had life-changing events (the death of my sister and the divorce of my parents) that made me feel some motivation for doing well, of seeing the importance of education for its own sake and for the opportunities it could afford me.

I valued the experience I had, even with its mistakes, but I definitely have moments where I think, “If I had just done a little bit better . . .” Those moments happen much less frequently now as I’ve used my experience in lots of ways to further my current opportunities.

For my children, though, I want to prevent, as much as it is possible to do so, them from having those “if only” moments. I think that means being there for them in a way my parents just weren’t. My parents didn’t encourage my school work as much as they should and they didn’t really help much with the college search. Partly, I think that’s for good reasons; they trusted me and my judgement. But partly, I think it was because they didn’t have the energy (it turned out this was the beginning of the end for them) and they just didn’t know I needed the help.

I don’t think this is going to be easy and I definitely want my kids to understand that it’s not so much the grades that count but what they represent and the opportunities they allow. And I want to allow them to figure things out for themselves somewhat. I certainly don’t want to be a helicopter parent. If you ever see me hovering around my kids, just shoot me.

Couldn’t resist this. Via APL.

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Via Albert at Philly Future, a handful of photo essays about Philly colleges. I thought this was pretty cool. I’ve often thought about doing something like this myself.

I made a conscious effort not to worry and to think about the things that are good. It helped. Here’s some highlights:

• I launched a site redesign I had been working on even though it still has a few kinks and imperfections. I wanted to get it up and going and work out the kinks over the next week or so.
• I talked through some of my data issues with a colleague at work who specializes in such things. He’s going to help me crunch some numbers and keep all this data straight (and hopefully wow my dissertation readers).
• I ate some peeps that came straight from the peeps factory. One of the faculty that I work with regularly brought them to me, along with a large selection of Mike and Ike’s, made by the same people.
• I dyed my hair and took a bath while reading Vanity Fair.
• I ate Fairly Odd Parents Mac and Cheese. Ah. Comfort Food.

Sometimes it’s the little things we have to focus on. What little things made you smile today?

If you’re tired of listening to me whine, feel free to move on.

I’m calling it the funk instead of full-blown depression because I think that’s the best way to define it. I think this funk definitely has a lot in common with a bad cold. There are chemical and/or hormonal causes, but like a cold, the symptoms can be exacerbated by external forces. So, for example, when you have a cold, you generally try to rest, drink lots of fluids, and keep the nostrils and head clear. If you fail to do those things, the cold will still go away eventually (unless it becomes pneumonia, but let’s not go there), but it will last longer than it would if you had taken care of yourself.

I believe I have a trifecta (or quadfecta, is that a word?) of crap that’s making this funk thing last. I’m just going to put it out there and look at it for a minute:

1. Lots of work to do at work. I’m a week away from the summer program and regular work isn’t going away any time soon, so it’s kind of piled on right now. As someone said over at Bitch, Ph.D.’s, it’s like salt in the wound every time someone says, “So, are things slowing down for you now?” or “What are you doing for the summer?” I know they don’t mean anything by it, but it pisses me off, especially when it comes from people who are spending their summers in exotic locations.
2. Unbloggable crap. If it’s unbloggable, you know it’s really crappy. I’m working to get a handle on this.
3. Dissertation. Progress is slow. I have not been motivated to work on it much and life keeps getting in the way.
4. Pile on that two kids’ birthdays, a visit from Mr. Geeky’s dad while Mr. Geeky is away and Mr. Geeky being away for quite a bit in the next few weeks and you can almost feel the knots in my back.

I think my main reason for feeling funky about all of this is 1) the sheer volume and 2) the lack of control I feel over all of it. Every time I try to take control, I feel even less in control. Something else happens or I become indecisive whatever. I also feel like I can’t let any of this go. I could just let the dissertation go for a couple of weeks, but I feel like if I do, I’ll fail, even though I keep telling myself (and others) that it would be okay if I have to file an extension for one more semester. I’d just feel better if I could do something on it.* I wish I had the ability some people have to just not worry about stuff. Mr. Geeky has this ability and it kills me. He just plows through when things get tough and the things he can’t control, he just doesn’t worry about. Not so with me. I have to project worst case scenerios far into the future. E.G. if the kids’ birthdays don’t get planned, not only will the neighborhood moms call me names behind my back, but the kids will be scarred for life and when they’re 25, I’ll call them on their birthdays and they’ll say, “Well, at least it’s not like the time you did nothing.” Sigh.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about in relation to this funk I’m in is that I just don’t want to be responsible for anything at home right now. I don’t want to be the one thinking about the laundry and the meals and the kids’ schedules and all the other nit-picky details that mostly go unnoticed. I want to be able to focus on dealing with that list and knock it out.

And also, like having a cold, I want someone to come take care of me. I want someone to bring me chicken soup and cover me in a blanket and let me watch bad tv for hours on end. It’s times like these when I realize that being a grown up sucks.

*After writing this and reading it over, I think I am going to let the dissertation go for the next few days, until Mr. Geeky gets back. I’m also planning to take Friday off and of course, I have Monday off, so maybe those two things will get me back on track.

I spent almost all of yesterday working, first at the library and then at the coffee shop. It was a total of about 5 hours, followed by an hour-long trip to the grocery store. I am debating about whether and/or when to work today. I set up a rubric for going through my mass amounts of data and I want to test it out. Geeky Boy has a friend coming over in a couple of hours and there’s a lacrosse game at 4:00 in a far away place. The lacrosse game will probably be rained out, which is hard to believe looking at the sky right now, but weather.com assures me it will be raining by one.

(I’ll admit, I find the lacrosse thing annoying. There’s practice twice a week and the games are not always nearby. Soccer is much more manageable. Practice once a week. Games always nearby. But Geeky Boy loves lacrosse, so well, there ya go.)

So, I’m sitting here still in my jammies, thinking that in just a couple of hours, the house will be noisy and hard to work in and wouldn’t it be just fine if I waited and worked this evening? Yes, I think it would. That could get me started on a pattern of working every night next week, something I think I could manage quite nicely. That way, I could spend what little sunny time is left today puttering around in the yard. Rationalization is such a great thing.

As if those of us on the receiving end didn’t know that. This last week, I’ve had several encounters with sexism that have driven me crazy. I have yelled at my iPod and turned red at an event out of anger and had all manner of other reactions. I think my frustration and anger come not just from the specific incident, but also from the fact that the specific incident happened at all. I can’t believe that there are still people who believe that women are lesser being and who directly express that view.

I wrote before about the Diggnation podcast and how sexist it was. I started listening to another podcast, based in part on a friend’s recommendation and on my own knowledge of the show’s hosts, people I’d seen on tv back when there was TechTV. Well, no more. The last two shows have both had moments of such horrid sexism, I refuse to listen to them. The first incident happened a couple of weeks ago. The show began with a discussion of some women gamers who were being sponsored and put up in a house in Sweden. The show’s hosts and guests (all men) very quickly lapsed into a whole fantasy thing where they wondered if the women were hot and if they would have pillow fights. I was listening to this on the road and was yelling at the dashboard, not a pretty sight. I was so mad, I went and made a comment on their blog, which of course, no one noticed or commented on and I believe I was the only woman to comment.

Then, a colleague suggested that we don’t need any more women in tech and me and another woman and a guy across the table went on the offensive. When only 20% of our staff is women, I don’t think I’d be saying we don’t need any more women. That whole conversation just added fuel to my fire. For more about the lack of women in science and tech, go read Zuska.

Just the other day, I was giving the podcast another chance and it was going swimmingly. They even had a woman on the show. Then, they were discussing the MIT $100 laptop initiative. They couldn’t understand what they might be used for. I meant, what point was a laptop without the internet. They completely failed to understand that the initiative was for 3rd world countries where they have nothing and any equipment is a good thing. Then they went on about getting the internet on these things and what would they be using it for. And then they said it. They (mostly schoolchildren, which they didn’t get) would be using it for porn. Ugh. I stopped listening right then. And I will never listen again. Their spoiled silicon valley frat boy routine is not for me and it pisses me off that this is what passes for “tech news” these days.

This is why we need more women in tech. They provide a perspective that is obviously missing from these shows.

First, some gratitude for my readers. Thanks one and all for your kind comments yesterday. I kept peeking in at work and they really made me feel better. I’m well-rested this morning and looking forward to today and the weekend. It looks like May Day is going to be mostly canceled due to rain so I won’t really be missing much there. And I think we have a movie night planned with the girls going to one movie and the boys going to see The Da Vinci Code (which I have no desire to see–didn’t really like the book). So, things are better. And now, here’s the random ten with comments about gratitude after each song (I have no idea how this will work out; maybe it’ll be a meme.)

1. “Everybody Hurts” R.E.M. : Okay maybe not the best song to start with, but certainly true. Everyone goes through hard times and it’s by leaning on each other that we get through them.
2. “Yeat’s Grave” The Cranberries : Actually, I really like this song and it always reminds me of a few things. It reminds me of my time as a poet, both in undergrad and grad school. I remember reading Yeats all the time. As a junior in college, I went to Oxford and took a poetry and drama course where we read a lot of Yeats, Eliot, Pound, and Shaw, and it was loads of fun.
3. “How You’ve Grown” 10,000 Maniacs : This song kind of makes me cry (but in a good way). It’s about children who grow up. I used this song in my first homemade digital movie. It’s the background to the kids looking for easter eggs. They are 3 and 6. Geeky Girl pauses and says, “It’s so beautiful out here.” I’ve always love that because it was a gray and overcast day, but she can always see the bright side of things. And that’s what I think about when I hear this song.
4. “Party Train” Love Tractor : Any song by Love Tractor makes me think of her. We ended up going to rival colleges and she gave me a mix tape one summer when we were home of the music she was listening to at her school. I liked it so much, I went out and bought the CDs of all the bands on it.
5. “Basin Street Blues” Jack Teagarden and His Sextett : This song is on a Dixieland Jazz album I bought back in college. I love Dixieland Jazz. I used to blare this music throughout the apartment. I’m sure my neighbors hated me.
6. “The Blues are Brewin” Billie Holiday : This isn’t one of my favorite Billie Holiday songs, but it’s still good. Her music is good to listen to when you’re feeling down. Not that it will lift you up, but you feel like she’s commiserating with you.
7. “Don’t Ask Me Why” Billy Joel : Don’t ask me why I own this. It’s actually Mr. Geeky’s. He’s a big fan. Actually, I was too for quite a while. I remember in junior high, I was at the beach with my friend Beth and “You May be Right” came on. We loved that song. And I did get 3rd row seats at a Billy Joel concert once and that was fun. So, his music, though I no longer like it that much reminds me of earlier days.
8. “Old Brown Shoe” The Beatles : I still like The Beatles. They are timeless in many way. This is a fun song and not one that most people choose to listen to. My favorite line is “Baaaby I’m in love with you.” I like thinking of someone as an old brown shoe.
9. “Tell Me A Story” Nedelle : This is a song from SXSW 2005. I have it in my favorites list. I like the lullabye-like melody and the way it recalls the time when we were kids and our parents read to us or told us stories and we fell asleep all nice and warm.
10. “I Don’t Know What It Is” Rufus Wainwright : What Geeky Mom random 10 would be complete without Rufus. This is one of my favorites. I love the line “I don’t know what it is, but you gotta do it.” It’s a really motivating song.

Okay, your turn. Have a good weekend everyone!

I am feeling worn down. I’m trying hard not to, but I know I feel beaten somehow. I dropped Geeky Boy off at school this morning to go to his field trip to Aquarium City and I was really sad that I couldn’t go. I saw all the other parents in their shorts and t-shirts with backpacks and it just made me sad. We were late getting our slips in and besides, I can’t afford a day off work. Tomorrow is May Day and I can’t go to that either. Between two emergencies at work and preparing for my summer program that starts in a week, I just can’t take the time.

I haven’t made a lot of progress on the dissertation either and that weighs on me. Though I have plans for a long work weekend, I prefer a slow and steady progress to mad dashes. I know that I shouldn’t even be worrying about the house, but I am. When I get up in the morning and am faced with cries of “We’re out of milk” and “Where are some socks,” it stresses me out. So then I’m stressed out going into work and that’s not good.

I’ve also been prone to crying lately, not hard crying, just sobbing, whenever I think about what’s not getting done, the future, whatever. I’ve also been quite crabby about everything: people on the road, random people who email me, Mr. Geeky. I might be able to write that off as hormonal, but I still think I would be out of sorts without the hormones.

Add to all of that the general state of the union and you’ve got one distressed Geeky Mom. I know this will all pass, but it’s really hard to deal with for the moment. I think the worst part is feeling like I can’t control any of it, like I’m letting outside forces dictate how I feel. I can’t help it, though. I’ve always been affected by such things. I can’t just be happy and not worry about the stuff around me and there’s nothing worse than telling me I should just buck up and deal. Maybe I take things too seriously, but somebody has to, right?