Geeky Mom

This dissertation chapter is going so slowly. I worked for three hours tonight and got . . . 1 page written. I was trying for 2, but that didn’t work out. You know you’re in trouble when you’re leafing through Aristotle randomly and then ordering books you just might need from Abebooks. Sigh.

I know I have a very, very good reason for dragging a little right now, but still it’s discouraging. It’s going to be okay, I know. I’ll get through it, but I am going to bed with Joan Bolker tonight.

P.S. Is it Wednesday yet?

First, a conversation:

Mr. Geeky and I are discussing the debate among Casey, Sandals, and Pennacchio. I start babbling on about how Casey made some disturbing statements about abortion.

Geeky Boy: Do we like Bob Casey?
Me: No, we don’t.
Geeky Boy: Why not?
Me: Because he’s pro-life.
Mr. Geeky: Well, he’s not really pro-life; he’s anti-woman.
Geeky Boy: That’s not right.

—–

The latest Quinnipiac poll actually shows that Casey might be vulnerable in the primary. I don’t know if that will really play out, but I hope so. PSoTD links to some blogs summarizing the debate.

This is my ex-boyfriend from high school. Really, really small world.

I have returned to the comfort of my own small nuclear family, having spent several days under difficult circumstances with a large extended family including an even larger community of church friends, high school classmates, former work colleagues and much more. I knew very few of these people at all. In traveling to Mr. Geeky’s home town, I had in my mind that I was there primarily to support him and his immediate family: his father, sister and brother. I wanted to not be a burden and to lift as many burdens from others as I could. I was largely successful. I helped put together a photo collage. I heated food that neighbors and friends had dropped off. I stood by Mr. Geeky’s side for nearly five hours greeting the hundreds and hundreds of people who came to pay their respects. I tried to be in the background as much as possible.

I enjoy many people in Mr. Geeky’s family. His sister, especially, with whom I share a first name and a high-school graduation year, I am supremely fond of. We’ve been on vacation together just the two of us. We’ve talked on the phone (though not as much as I would like). We’ve said of each other that if we met each other on the street, we’d be instant friends. There’s a cousin from San Francisco who’s delightful. There’s an aunt and uncle from Seattle who sat down with us after the funeral and talked to us for a long time, asking us about our work and the kids. And we asked them about theirs. I have always enjoyed my father-in-law, a quiet man with a keen sense of humor. His sadness breaks my heart. My father called and talked to him for quite a while, convincing him to have an autopsy done (long story, and one I likely won’t blog). I told him to visit us whenever he wanted. Many of Mr. Geeky’s other aunts and uncles and cousins are also pleasant people, happy and tight-knit, always greeting anyone with open arms and platefuls of food. It is in many respects a comforting environment to be in and I’m glad that my father-in-law has them.

But there are members of the family who are challenging, people that for whatever reason get under my skin. Under different circumstances, I might have objected to some of the things they said or did. But I didn’t want to be difficult or appear unkind. I tossed and turned at night trying to figure out why I felt this way, why di this person or that person always bother me. Why did I let them get to me? And what should I do about it? I found no answers in those late night wonderings, only more questions. How do I become a better person? I want to be someone who isn’t so quick to find fault with people. How do I not take innocuous comments that I find hurtful personally? My mother-in-law would laugh them off and her son, my husband, is able to do the same. But I can’t. I am hurt and angered by them and I spend too much energy trying to deal with them by myself. But it is my goal to find some way to handle that hurt and anger better.

I will have lots to say when I officially return, but I had to check in with a few blogs and my own–needed to be with my people so to speak. I’m trying to decide what I want to blog and what should not be blogged. This is not *my* family after all. I’ve found myself in my usual role of amateur anthropologist and counselor. There have been good moments and fingernails on a chalkboard moments. Typical, I guess, of family gatherings. There is one more semi-offical gathering to go and then we hit the road.

I want to thank everyone who left comments the other day. It was much appreciated. If I ever wanted evidence that internet people are “real”, that comment thread (among many others) would be proof enough. Thanks.

We’re on the road with our free internets. It’s been an uneventful trip so far. And now we are watching bad cartoons. Sigh. I was thinking about this sonnet, so I thought I’d post it. It’s one of my favorites.

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see’st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death’s second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see’st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed, whereon it must expire,
Consum’d with that which it was nourish’d by.
This thou perceiv’st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well, which thou must leave ere long.

Last night, quite unexpectedly, my mother-in-law died. She had been in the hospital for some surgery and never quite recovered. All day yesterday, she went back and forth and then her condition deteriorated. A few hours after she was moved to intensive care, she died.

I couldn’t have asked for a better mother-in-law, really. From the first time I met here, she’s always treated me like family. She was the life of the family, always bustling around preparing food, decorating for the holidays, making sure everyone was happy and comfortable in her home. She always saw the good side of everything and everyone. Despite having chronic health problems, she still traveled frequently and never let her condition get in the way of doing the things she loved. She had always wanted to be a grandmother and has been a wonderful one, sending the kids notes in the mail and treats on every holiday. She always made them feel special.

Last night as we were trying to get to sleep, Mr. Geeky and I shared our memories of her, many of them funny. Like when she was learning to play Balderdash and the first definition she came up with was “Don’t hurt people.” Or when she asked a park ranger the difference between a mule and a mule deer. She was never afraid to laugh at herself and made others laugh too.

I feel most for my father-in-law, who has lost his life’s companion. I can’t begin to fathom the depth of his loss.

_____

Needless to say, blogging will be light. We’re traveling to Mr. Geeky’s home town, possibly leaving today. I have no idea if I’ll have the internets.

My brain is either on overload or fried. I hate that all I’ve done around here lately is talk about myself. Bleh. I’m watching what’s going on around me, but I got nothing to say about it.

I got two pages written on diss chapter 1, which doesn’t sound like much, but the thing is starting to shape up. It’s sort of like sculpting or throwing pots. At first, it’s just a stack of articles and a pile of notes. Then it starts to look like something, something new, built on that stack and pile.

I was up in the middle of the night feeling ill and was awakened by the same illness this morning. I can feel the fatigue in my face. My life is busy in a good way, but I definitely could use some time away, preferably with the family.

If you haven’t already, go read Psycho Kitty’s post from last night. It’s really good.

I’m gonna try to reinvigorate myself in the shower. Yeah, I know, that doesn’t sound good. I’m too tired to care.

I’m off to work at the coffee shop, but I was perusing my archives to see what I was up to a year ago and ran across this old post about playing with the ghosts of Helen Keller, Bing Crosby, and Laura Ingalls Wilder in my back yard. Enjoy!

I got up late. I’m groggy. I just want to hang out for a while and drink coffee. The kids also seem groggy and cranky. Plus it’s supposed to rain. This is not a good way to start the week.

Eventually, I will have consumed enough coffee. I’ll have a bagel or something. And then I can really start the day. But I’m still gonna feel off by an hour.