Geeky Mom

Today I’m giving a talk, the notes of which are here. The talk is loosely related to my work on chapter 1 of my dissertation. I’ve already whined at Phantom’s about how much work is piling on my at work. It’s very frustrating. I’m actually not sure what to do about it. It’s not the kind of work you can just plow through. It’s people interrupting you constantly.

I’ve been trying to install Drupal for our blog software (sorry, Ben). It’s going okay, but it takes a long time, especially when you don’t really know what you’re doing. I think a lot of people don’t realize that some of the things that we technologists are pretty difficult. Because most of them seem simple in theory. The web guy is having the same problem. Can you do this fancy-schmancy web thing? Yes, he says. But then it takes a while and they want it yesterday. The other problem I’m having is where to draw the line with my work. There are certain things that are clearly my responsibility–helping with Blackboard, helping with the Media Lab. But there are lots of fuzzy things. For example, I often get calls from staff because at one time, I was helping to train the staff to use our new web editing software. Well, I don’t really do that anymore, but neither does anyone else. It’s kind of weird. It’s complicated and it’s draining me emotionally.

I just want an hour or two to sort things out. There are things sitting on my desk that I really, really need to do. Ugh.

I’ll admit it. I’m jealous of Mon, who seems to be absolutely cruising through her dissertation. Me? Not so much. I’ve written 3 pages of chapter 1. My goal is to have a draft of chapter 1 in a week. I think I can do that. I have to squeeze my writing in little pockets of time, an hour or two here or there. It’s not exactly easy. I would like to spend the weekend writing. That seems the only way to get this done. I wanted to write on the train, but I read instead (related to my dissertation, of course). I’m finding myself surprisingly motivated to work on the dissertation even after work, but just haven’t managed to make much progress this month. Also, I haven’t heard back from my advisor about my proposal yet, so I hate to put a lot of work into something when he might suggest I go in a different direction. I’m in kind of a holding pattern, I guess. I will contact my advisor today and let him know what I’m working on and ask for feedback on the proposal. I will try to get through ten pages or so of writing tonight. I think that’s doable. Whenever I feel like I can’t do this, I’m reminded of Maya Angelou writing while feeding her baby in the middle of the night. If she could do that, then I can do this under more comfortable conditions.

Reading back over that, I realize that it’s completely incoherent–and totally represents my current state of mind.

Some of our blog peeps have been nominated for a Koufax award in the Most Deserving Wider Recognition Category¹. Some interesting reading there. Here are some of the ones I already read and they’re very deserving folks, I must say:

Acephalous
All Spin Zone
Barely Legal (I actually don’t read this, but my students were totally enamoured of this blog; it is funny)
Creek Running North
Echidne of the Snakes
Frogs and Ravens–go Rana!!
Half Changed World–go Elizabeth!!
I Blame the Patriarchy
Mahablog–this one I discovered recently. I really, really like it.
Pam’s House Blend

¹Yes, I’m nominated.

Me and Pac-Man,
originally uploaded by lorda.

Just so you don’t get too one-sided a picture of me, here I am with the Pac-Man exhibit. Wish I could have played it! One of these days, I’m gonna have a basement with all the old video games, complete with air hockey in the middle. Oh, and there’ll be beer.

I would not be where I am today if it were not for Roe v. Wade. I would have a 21 year old child.

Yes, I got pregnant at 16. And I ended that pregnancy. It was not something I really wanted to do. It was something I had to do. If I’d carried that pregnancy to term, I would have had to drop out of high school, possibly. I doubt I would have made it to the selective liberal arts college I ended up in, which provided me a wonderful education and opened many doors for me. I wouldn’t have gone to graduate school, surely. I had a hard enough time supporting myself as a grad student; there was no way I could have supported a child. Not going to grad school would have meant that I wouldn’t have met Mr. Geeky and I certainly wouldn’t have had the Geeky Kids.

I got pregnant because I was stupid. I had no idea how to get a hold of birth control. I had no idea how my body worked, so that at the very least, I could have timed sex appropriately. No one had discussed sex with me, not until after I was pregnant. I finally took a sex education class when I was a junior in high school, about 6 months after I’d had an abortion. I’m sure there were others in the class who’d been in my shoes or who’d nearly been there.

Being middle class, I might have been able to obtain an abortion anyway. As it was, I still had to travel to another state. My mother went with me. Much as I complain about my mother and much as I wish she’d talked to me sooner, she didn’t make me feel ashamed or as if I’d made a huge mistake. I think she blamed herself as much as she blamed me. She simply supported me. She rubbed my back when I threw up in the parking lot afterwards. This whole experience is the only thing that keeps her voting for democrats. It was hard enough for her to watch me get a legal abortion. I think she can’t imagine what might have happened if abortion had been illegal and I had tried to obtain one on my own.

Education is key. We have to stop thinking that the “just say no” campaign is going to work when it comes to sex. If you are a parent, talk to your kids early and often. Make birth control accessible (keep condoms in the closet, for example). If you’re not a parent, keep campaigning for better sex education in the schools. We also have to make safe and legal abortions accessible to those in poor and rural areas. Unwanted children increase the likelihood of their parents living in poverty and they themselves are more likely to live in poverty even as adults. In many of these areas, girls need to understand that getting pregnant does not mean the guy will stick around and it’s not all fun and games to raise a child.

Though I have no bitter feelings or guilt or sadness about my decision, I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I went through. It’s not easy, physically or mentally. It’s also not easy, if you’ve had an abortion, to hear people call you a murderer. I once had to walk past signs of mutilated fetuses on my way to a regular checkup at Planned Parenthood. If anything, my decision has given me a life, a life I never would have had otherwise and a life for which I am eternally grateful. Shouldn’t every woman be allowed this opportunity at life?

blog for choice

Piggyback ride,
originally uploaded by lorda.

Here we are. Geeky girl was complaining about her legs being tired, so Geeky Boy offered her a ride. This lasted for a couple of blocks.

Off. Free internets at the hotel. Will check in with stories and maybe pictures.

I haven’t been writing much about politics lately because it just depresses me. I think when the NSA thing came out, I thought, well, if they can spy on me without anyone knowing about it, then there’s nothing I can do. And there’s not much I can do about Samuel Alito either. Until the 2006 elections, I feel pretty helpless.

Geeky Boy is studying the Boston Tea Party right now and as part of that, the teacher handed out an official-looking letter that declared that lunch prices were going up and that students were no longer allowed to bring their own lunches and that backpacks would be searched to make sure no outside food was brought it. Geeky Boy handed me the letter and I feel so beaten down that I just said, okay, I guess that’s the way it’s gonna be. Geeky Boy, however, would have none of it. He said he and his classmates immediately began planning a protest. How sad is it that I can’t even get up the energy to fight the lunchroom nazis? Sigh.

Seriously, though, aside from voting people out, writing letters that may or may not be read, and staging protests that largely get ignored, what recourse do we really have to effect change. The system seems corrupt and set up in a way that blocks the average citizen from having any say. It’s run by corporate interests, most of whom are looking to make a buck and not make the world a better place.

Now I’m all depressed again. See? This is why I can’t write about this stuff.