Really. And barely. Just did a marathon paper commenting session. Have been trying to get to it for two days. On the agenda for the next two weeks:

Call for papers for conference I’m organizing (yes, I’m crazy)
Open house for tablet pc project
Floor plans for revamp of New Media Lab
Several proposals for other stuff that will happen in the summer (can be put off until after break)
Dissertation proposal

I think I’m forgetting something. Am I forgetting something? Where’s my brain?

So if I’m really going to do this dissertation thing and the topic is related to blogging, shouldn’t I have a dissertation blog? Maybe?

It’s official. I will not make it to 50,000. I made it to 30,000. My story is done and I just don’t have the time to go through and fill in in order to make it to 50,000. I don’t feel like I failed though. I wrote pretty complete story, something I might be able to work with later on.

On another front, I think I’m coming down with something. I had a massive headache when I got home yesterday (really about an hour before I got home). I could not drag myself out of bed at the usual crack of dawn hour. I feel kind of queasy. Bleh.

Only 2.5 more weeks until Christmas vacation. Sigh.

A lot of people around here have announced they’re quitting the blog thing, or they’re going to. It makes me kind of sad, actually. It’s like a neighbor who up and announces they’re moving halfway around the world. I can see why someone would quit. Blogging is time-consuming and can take away from other things one might do or want to do. It can feel like an obligation rather than something fun to do.

I find blogging very grounding, actually, and quite helpful in thinking through some of the many crazy things in my head. I write this blog for myself mostly, but have come to immensely enjoy the other blogs I read and the people that stop by here and comment. I completely appreciate the connections I’ve made through this blog. Though they are tenuous and far flung, they are real nonetheless.

I wish everyone who chooses to move on the best. Know that you will be missed.

A quick post from work. Hey, I’ve got to ease back in, right?

I have a lot of exciting things on the horizon. Then why do I feel so bogged down? How does one focus on the positive and ignore the negative when it seems to intrude in everything you do? I’m serious. If you have advice, I want to hear it.

When I walked in the door of the mini-reunion, I felt almost exactly the way I did in high school, uneasy, unconfident, but expectant. Did I look okay? Who would be there? Would they think I looked okay? Would they accept me for who I am? Right away I was greeted by my oldest friend, a girl I’ve seen every year or so since I graduated. That put me a little at ease. And she also knew and remembered Mr. Geeky, and asked briefly after the kids. Then the hostess greeted us and gave us the lowdown on where we could find drinks and food. Then the two of them scurried off and Mr. Geeky and I were standing there in the entryway. I scanned the room and didn’t recognize a soul. There were people there who weren’t from our high school, so this was not terribly unusual.

Finally, we did the only thing that seemed natural and went to the kitchen for beer. There we were greeted by more people from high school, some of whom I recognized and some of whom I didn’t. We chatted with them about their jobs, about kids, about where they lived, who they kept up with. We shared stories about dealing with kids, about ill parents and grandparents, about our own health issues. A guy came up to me and said hello and I said (as I’d been saying almost all night), “Please tell me who you are.” It was my first high school boyfriend. I had not seen him since 1984 when he was 18. I almost passed out on the floor. (Mr. Geeky told me later that I really did look quite shocked. I feel bad because it wasn’t that he looked bad, just so different.) Mr. Geeky left shortly after that and I spent the next few hours talking to various people.

All of these encounters with old friends–the college reunion and now this–have really caused me to do some thinking. Both in high school and college, I felt seriously inadequate (I know Phantom, that’s your schtick, sorry). The people at the Friday night affair were fairly popular people. Some were cheerleaders and football players. Others were student council presidents. Some were soccer or tennis players. All of them were in the “beautiful people” class. Even though I was friends with many of them (and dated one of them), I never felt like I measured up. Of course I was measuring against a very narrow scale. I looked at their clothes, how many friends they had, how good-looking their dates were. I didn’t think about whether they were smart or not, what their plans were for the future.

When I think back to those days, I think about the stupid things I did to try to run with the popular crowd. And I think about how much time I pissed away doing those things instead of studying or participating in an extracurricular activity that might have been a ticket to a better school (or a bigger scholarship). I also think about how stupid it was for me to feel inferior to these people. It wasn’t like they were treating me badly. Then, as now, they were perfectly nice. No, the boys in that crowd didn’t always ask me out and I wasn’t on the phone with a lot of the girls. But it wasn’t like they were purposely leaving me out of parties or anything. I just had blinders on the whole time. I had a certain perception of myself and I let that color all of my relationships and all of the decisions I made.

And now, talking to them again, I realize that I had nothing to worry about. I may not have a spectacularly better life than they do, but I have achieved a measure of success that I’m perfectly happy with. And I’m continually seeking out new challenges for myself while many of them seemed to have gotten as far as they’re going to go and are perfectly content. Most of them went off to nearby colleges that weren’t particularly challenging. They got really ordinary jobs, settled down, got married, and had kids. And I think that’s exactly what they wanted to do, no more, no less.

I had a really pleasant time, though, sharing stories about high school (some of which I didn’t remember) and laughing and trying to find common ground.

A couple of my high school friends live across the street from my dad. My dad has actually moved twice since I left and this neighborhood is kind of on the outskirts of town–or at least it used to be when I was growing up. This evening, they’re having a little gathering of high school people and of course, we’re going.

When I graduated from high school, I was really ready to get out and get away from the people I’d grown up with. I grew up in the kind of town where you spent 12 years in school with the same people. I went to preschool with some kids I graduated with. I went to college eight hours away while many of my friends went just down the road, at most 3 or 4 hours away. Many of my friends came back on weekends or arranged trips with old high school friends. Not me. With the exception of one or two people, I really had no desire to see any of my high school friends again. Ironically, I met Mr. Geeky at my old high school boyfriend’s wedding and I still see him and his family once or twice a year since they now live just a couple of hours away from us.

I feel least comfortable with the friends who stayed here or came back here. I have absolutely no understanding for why someone would want to stay here. Not that I don’t understand someone wanting to stay near friends and family, that part makes sense, but there isn’t, as far as I can tell, much to do here in terms of work. Many of the companies that largely supported the economy of this city are gone or so depleted that they’re cutting jobs, not hiring. The downtown comes and goes, but mostly looks spent. There just doesn’t seem much going for this place. And so, I feel like I’m denigrating their choice to stay. I recognize that my sense is purely personal and superficial, based on driving around town and noticing more dilapidated buildings than new or remodeled ones.

And then there’s always the inevitable academic factor. My friends generally have jobs that are quite practical–doctors, lawyers, teachers, auto mechanic–things that make sense to them. But Mr. Geeky is one of them there college professors and I work with computers. We may as well be from another planet. And I feel bad, I really do, that we can’t explain what we do in three words or less. I don’t like it either, but that’s the way it is. There are friends I could see who would understand us even though they also have “practical” jobs. But these friends aren’t among them. Oh, and there’s the stay at home mom factor. All the women I went to school with who live here are all at home. Yet another alien factor. I hate that I understand why they chose to stay home, having done it myself for a while and having moments where I still want to, but they never seem to get why I work. And god, I hope politics doesn’t come up with our minivan emblazoned with its Kerry/Edwards and FSM stickers. Let’s just hope there’s alcohol cause obviously, I’m getting myself worked up into a frenzy over all this.

The thing is, I didn’t know these people that well in high school. We had friends in common and it’s a small place so you kind of know everyone. I can’t even fall back on stories from high school because we have none in common. Perhaps I’ll be pleasantly surprised. I mean, last night, I talked to a woman who told me if she had it to do over again, she’d be a lesbian. I swear there’s something about turkey that makes people crazy, including me.

So far, so good. Dinner isn’t until 6-ish. It’s basically an all-day party. Some people have already arrived and are helping coordinate the deep-frying of the turkey. I’ve made apple pie and green bean casserole (I have a weakness). Bloody Marys have been consumed. There’s more to come. I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

I think wireless should be free everywhere. It’s crazy that it’s not. We’re in a relatively cheap hotel somewhere in the middle of Maryland and we’ve got free wireless. So last night before bed, I caught up on blogs; Mr. Geeky caught up on blogs (I’ve hooked him on Pharyngula unfortunately; damn you, PZ!). I even worked out this morning. Now we’ll see if I can write in the car. I didn’t manage it last night. So now, the goal is 5,000 today and 2500 every other day. Sigh. I think I had a few times in college where I felt this way, needing to read hundreds of pages in one night because I stupidly put it off.

I’m not sure what kind of internets I’ll have over the next few days, so if I don’t “see” you all, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

The plan is to leave after work. It’s actually kind of silly for me to go to work today, except that I’m teaching. I’m looking forward to the class actually. I have most of it planned out; I will likely spend the morning finishing that up. Half the students will be gone. But it’ll be fun anyway.

After class, I’ll eat lunch and see if there are any pressing emails. Because really, is there anything that can’t wait until after the break? I didn’t think so.