Geeky Mom

I have been thinking all weekend about why I feel so inadequate all the time. Who am I comparing myself to? Scrivener is always chastising me for not giving myself enough credit. Dr. H writes about feeling like you have a good life and being grateful for it, while New Kid writes about blog envy and conversely, her feeling that she’s too presumptuous in her advice. And buried within a post about abortion, Dr. B made an offhand comment about women not being able to toot their own horn. And, I could also point to Prof. Synecdoche’s post about choosing an academic program which is fraught with comparing the goods and ills of one’s future based on the name of the program. After reading Paradox of Choice, I know this problem of feeling inadequate is not a problem unique to academics, but one wonders why we all seem to so often ponder why we don’t measure up, or if we feel we do, why we can’t just be satisfied with that. Is it because there are so many hoops, so many times your measured–MA exams, Ph.D exams, dissertation defense, conference papers, journal submissions, the job market, tenure, full professor. How many times in a career can you reasonably be asked to measure your performance?

In my position there are no yard sticks. I have nothing to measure myself against except my own imagination. Yet, when I think of myself as being successful and perhaps getting promoted to be, say, Head of Academic Computing, I think, “Could I really do that? What if I totally screwed it up? What if I hate it?” And I also think about how one would measure my success–by the number of attendees at my workshops, by the number of faculty using Blackboard or “smart” classrooms, by the number using technology to teach? I hate such outcome-based assessments. They always seem flawed. And yet, somehow, I feel the need for some tangible proof that I’m doing a good job.

And then there’s the rest of my life–what I do as a mother, a wife, a writer, a human being. There are plenty of comparisons to be made there. When do I just stop, step back and say, “This is good enough? You’re happy, satisfied. Everything is okay.” Maybe because part of me is not satisfied. Part of me is still thinking about those roads untaken, and the many possible futures. Somehow, I think this is hard to stop, that there are always moments of reflection where you look backward, forward and around and think, “Am I doing okay? Did I make the right decisions?” But hopefully, there are an equal number of times that you stop and think, “Things are pretty good right now. I really don’t need much of anything. I have people who love me, appreciate me and what I do.”

I think that this kind of writing–blogging–can often lend itself to that more reflective mode of thinking, because at those moments, we need to reach out and we need reassurance and we need to just think out loud. In the other mode, we might feel like we are bragging or being too self-indulgent.

I still haven’t answered my question except to say perhaps, that I shouldn’t feel inadequate, that I’m only inadequate in my own mind. I can’t eradicate the feeling completely, but I can start looking at it more analytically when it comes upon and take more control over it. Maybe.

I have a lot of things in my head and I’ve given up making it all into something coherent.

Domesticity: I’ve been single parenting this weekend. Which means I’ve become slothful. Mr. Geeky definitely takes on 50% of the work and when he’s gone, instead of ramping up to 75 or 100%, I stick with my 50%. So this weekend, I managed to get a good deal of the laundry done, though it’s likely we’ll end up in our usual mode of digging through baskets and the dryer. Even though the kids spent most of yesterday at a friend’s house and generally running around the neighborhood, I used my time to catch up on blog reading and relax on the couch. There are all kinds of projects around the house I’d like to tackle, but that would require 110%. I did manage some time in the garden, such as it is.

Money: Filed the taxes. Will be paying them for long time to come. I managed to pay property taxes outright. My hope is that with my revamping of my W4 (the reason I had too much to pay in the first place), the taxes will be paid off by this time next year.

I note with sadness and anger the passing of the new bankruptcy bill. Though I don’t think we’re on the verge of bankruptcy, I could certainly see something drastic happening to put us in that boat. One lost job, one medical emergency and there ya go.

Writing: I haven’t written for more than a week. I haven’t even really written a good blog post. When things are hectic at work either for good or bad, I find I don’t have the emotional energy to write.

Exercise: Ditto. Work has sucked up all my energy. I think I managed one walk this week.

Work: Though I’m feeling better about work, I’ve set some goals for myself that are going take up time and energy. I’m also feeling better about the new addition to our office. I think the dynamics will work out okay. I note, however, that I am the only woman in the office now and much as I hate to admit it, it makes a difference.

Soccer Mom to Lacrosse Mom: Geeky Boy is playing lacrosse this year and it’s much more extensive than last year. We’ve shelled out lots of money–about $150 so far. They’re asking for more–ugh. Plus the time–one practice during the week, 2 games on the weekend. Today we’re travelling over an hour to a game. I like that Geeky Boy is involved in sports, but sometimes it’s hard to keep up with. I mean I’m giving up a much-needed haircut to cart him around this weekend.

I just had to post this. I thought it was funny–especially the drinking under the table bit–which is kind of true. I’m 5’2″ and tiny. People often underestimate my drinking ability. (via Julie)

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table.

The weekend always brings housework. Laundry, bill paying, and, now that spring is here, gardening and yardwork. Today, I did the ultimate housewife task and cleaned the oven. Just to prove that I am really a geek, I used the self-cleaning option and was just amazed by how it turned out. Seriously, it was totally cool. I’ve also happened upon a couple of posts today about housewives, desperate and otherwise (via SBFH and Half-Changed World, I believe; great one at Pish Tosh). What the hell is a “real” housewife these days anyway? I think the single guy across the street (who reminds me of Rob from Survivor) is a better housewife than I am (if you use some kind of 1950s definition). Can’t we all just admit that men and women run around and do these crazy house maintenance chores? Are there really households out there where the woman is slaving away and the man doesn’t lift a finger? Please tell me there aren’t.

There’s no good way to segue into this, but today’s poem is “The Young Housewife” by William Carlos Williams, which I am not sure how to interpret. The fallen leaf comparison really gets me, something about the idea that becoming a housewife causes death. And isn’t the speaker crushing her? His going to work means she must stay home? But maybe the poem isn’t meant to be that depressing and maybe I spent too much time with my head in the oven (which means I need to bring out the Anne Sexton).

At ten AM the young housewife
moves about in negligee behind
the wooden walls of her husband’s house.
I pass solitary in my car.

Then again she comes to the curb
to call the ice-man, fish-man, and stands
shy, uncorseted, tucking in
stray ends of hair, and I compare her
to a fallen leaf.

The noiseless wheels of my car
rush with a crackling sound over
dried leaves as I bow and pass smiling.

Yesterday afternoon, I gave a talk on science blogs and bloggers for our Science and Society group. I know next to nothing about science, though I was good at it in high school, by college, science disappeared from my brain. However, I married a scientist and I’m always interested in the science that bubbles up to the news.

In my talk, I had to explain what blogs were and gave some statistics on blogs and blog audiences. Then I featured Pharyngula extensively. By the end of the discussion, they were all ready to blog. I’ll let you know if any of them do. Mr. Geeky is on the verge. He’s at a conference right now, but he’s set up the software and he’s itching to begin.

It was a pretty fun talk and I’m giving it again next week at another university. I should go to these and give these more often. It was really energizing.

TO THE VIRGINS, TO MAKE MUCH OF TIME.
by Robert Herrick

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he’s to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer ;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry :
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.

tags: poetrymonth

Miss You–Rolling Stones
Take me the Long Way–Po’ Girl
Walkin’ on my Dreams–Hacienda Brothers
Walking Back–The Cranberries
So What Could I Do–The Cranebuilders
Battlefield–Nanci Griffith
Light up my Room–Barenaked Ladies
did you see the sun?–Julian Coryell
Angel–Sarah McLaughlin
Until the end of the world–U2

tags: random10

I am feeling better about my job frustrations in large part because of the supportive comments from all of you. I think venting is good simply because it’s helped me pinpoint what the real problems are and start figuring out how to deal with them. In terms of the tasks I typically perform, I’m quite happy. I spend my time mostly tinkering with web pages, reading about new technology and its application to education, talking through technical possibilities with people, making plans for equipment purchases, solving technical problems, writing about technology and education, creating multimedia projects and helping others do so. All those things are fun and rewarding and generally lead to more fun and rewarding things. In terms of the people I work with, I feel pretty good too. My immediate supervisor is a hands-off kind of person. We meet periodically and I update her and she makes suggestions for what I might pursue. If I disagree, she hears me out and generally trusts my perceptions and my ideas. I have colleagues in the office that I like and they work very hard and are always willing to help out.

All that’s good. And I’ve decided the real difficulties lie in not having a clear idea of my priorites, not having appropriate support (no one reports to me and/or there’s no group of people all doing the same thing), and not dealing with the politics well. I can’t really direct my colleagues and I’m not entirely sure I would want to. But I often feel like we are all working at cross purposes or are repeating each other’s work rather than really collaborating. Partly that’s because we’re all pulled in a million directions. If we had some sort of direction, that would make me feel better.

In fact, the structure of our entire department lends itself to this kind of confusion. Faculty don’t often know who to go to for what. Sometimes people accept projects that eventually fall on my desk or start projects and throw them to me when they get stuck. We’re trying to filter everything through a central location, but it’s going to take time for that to work. I think eventually, this is all going to get better, but there’s still some things that need to be worked out. It all feels willy-nilly from my end right now.

I also realize there are some turf issues among my colleagues and I include myself in the turf wars. It’s weird to realize that yes, you really do want control of x and that you’re a little upset that so-and-so took it over without consulting you. And then you feel petty because it’s not a big deal and you should be grateful that someone’s helping you out. Crazy. I’ve either got to get over that or learn how to stake my claim.

And I’ve gotten some great feedback on my survey about the faculty workshops I’ve been offering. I think it will go through some major revamping, along with some sprucing up of some documentation and some more podcasting and screencasting, of course. I think if I can stay focused on what’s going well, learn to deal with the politics and be patient while our departmental tweaking continues, I’ll be much more satisfied.

I think Academic in Exile and I have been drinking the same kool-aid lately. I swear we’re in a weird sync.

Today I asked Geeky boy to write a poem since he was out of school. Here’s his result:

I’m a robot.
I’m very mad.
Dad makes me do stuff.
My best friend is Thad.
I don’t like Dad.
He didn’t give me a bed.
He makes me do stuff
like stand on my head.
I’m a robot.
I’m not very mad
Because my friend is near me.
His name is Thad.

Seen at brina’s

blog meme

Of the blogs you read/have on your blogroll…

Who do you know in real life & how?
Tim Burke–teaches at a nearby school; has worked with Mr. Geeky; officially met him at a party at his house.
librarygrrrrl--works at same college as Tim; officially met her through the a reading group
Think Thunk/Perpetual Off Night–same as librarygrrrrrl, but met him at some Blackboard meetings when I first started working at my institution
Atrios of Eschaton–used to work at my institution and talked to him on the phone in that capacity, just met him for the first time a couple of months ago through mutual friends.
One of the Unfogged guys–to protect his identity, I won’t say how I know him.

What five blogs do you usually not go a day without checking?
Honestly, pretty much everything in the Academic list. But if I have to pick five . . .
Profgrrrrl, Cul de Sac, Bitch, Ph.D., Pharyngula, Scrivener, Pilgrim/Heretic, jo(e), Phantom Scribbler

I couldn’t do it–really, I feel deprived if I haven’t checked on every single one. I read brina and Rana every day, oh heck–really the whole academic blogroll.

What five blogs send the most traffic your way?
bitch, ph.d, learning curves, angrypregnantlawyer, scrivenings, Just Tenured

What are your top five keyword searches this week?
cute stories, definition of mom, geeky, geeky photo room, heaney mid term