Geeky Mom

First, I’m cranky. For these reasons:

1. Didn’t sleep well last night.
2. Back-to-back meetings from 10-4.
3. There’s something I need to do for a professor that I didn’t get to yesterday and I’m not sure if she needs it tomorrow or not and it’s something that’s going to take a while. Her e-mail was vague.
4. I’m feeling like an indentured servant at work (more on this when I have energy).
5. I’m hosting a reception tomorrow for which I have to pick up beer and wine (are liquor stores open at 8:30?); however, doing it in the morning conflicts with #3 above. Couldn’t do it tonight because we had talent show rehearsal (more on that later, too.)
6. I have a meeting at another campus–1/2 hour commute each way.
7. Basically, I need sleep. Thus, why I’m saying goodnight at 9:49.

Remind me tomorrow and I’m going to write some more about money. Because apparently everyone wants to talk about it. Not as good as writing about sex, but a good second. Lots of good political blog posts our there, especially re: Dean, Democrats, and pro-choice/abortion rights. But, too tired to comment or link. Tomorrow, I promise.

. . . can I write two books at once? I cheated. I admit it. I cheated on my book by working on another one. But the other one is easier. It had been running around in my head trying to get out for weeks. I had to let it go. Will I get back to the first book? I know I will, cause it’s running around in my head too.

None of the advice I read to writers says anything about writing two books at once. Everyone seems to assume that you just plow through one project at a time. I just don’t function well that way. Probably yet another reason why I couldn’t finish the Ph.D., all that energy focused on one narrow thing. I like change, freshness. I’m not exactly bored with the first project, but I’m rewriting large chunks of it–the first 100 pages, so I’m not writing new stuff, just making the old stuff fresher. So, I needed to have some fresh stuff to write, thus the other book.

I think I’m crazy. I must lack focus or something. The thing is, I’ve been working on the first book for almost two years now. I can only write at night and on the weekends, very piecemeal, because not every night is conducive to writing. I would like to finish just one project even if it sucks, just to say I did it. I think the second book is more likely to be finished before the first one. We’ll see. Of course, if I win the lottery, I might be able to quit my job and finish both.

Update: There are now quite a few posts about this out there. Found by doing a search on the author’s name. Will try to read some tomorrow and post.

This one with actual resources and links. The cover story of this week’s Newsweek features an article called “Mommy Madness,” explaining the overproduced way women approach motherhood. The author, Judith Warner, explains that despite the feminist movement giving women lots of choices, most find they don’t have any:

Yet as mothers many women face “choices” on the order of: You can continue to pursue your professional dreams at the cost of abandoning your children to long hours of inadequate child care. Or: You can stay at home with your baby and live in a state of virtual, crazy-making isolation because you can’t afford a nanny, because there is no such thing as part-time day care, and because your husband doesn’t come home until 8:30 at night.

These are choices that don’t feel like choices at all. They are the harsh realities of family life in a culture that has no structures in place to allow women—and men—to balance work and child-rearing. But most women in our generation don’t think to look beyond themselves at the constraints that keep them from being able to make real choices as mothers. It almost never occurs to them that they can use the muscle of their superb education or their collective voice to change or rearrange their social support system. They simply don’t have the political reflex—or the vocabulary—to think of things in this way.

And we’re damn tired, too. She offers some really good solutions, like tax credits to businesses for providing “family-friendly” work conditions. While she emphasizes problems that are more societal in nature–the need for quality daycare, good public schools, and more flexible work schedules–she also places some onus on the women themselves to stop overscheduling their kids, to quit being so perfect.

I started thinking about why I feel so guilty for not being perfect and it’s the peer pressure that does it. When I’m out at the bus stop and a mom asks me which camps I’m signing my kids up for, I suddenly feel horrible for not signing them up. When my kids are in the after school daycare and no one else in the neighborhood has their kids in daycare, I feel like I’m dumping them, like I wasn’t “mom” enough to make arrangements to be home with them. If I don’t have those interactions, then I’m clueless and as long as my kids seem okay, then I’m okay with what I’m doing. But as the world shrinks and we know more and more about what other moms are doing, we begin to measure ourselves against that. It’s human nature to do so (it’s something Gladwell points out in the Tipping Point as well).

I did a little skipping around the blogosphere to see if there was even a blip on the radar about this issue. Not in the top 100. Interestingly, the blogs that I found that are writing about it are saying mostly that it’s not their reality and that the women in the article are overprivileged and whining. That may be true to some extent, but I live in a very middle-class neighborhood. No one drives fancy cars or sends their kids to private school, but there’s still enough pressure to make some of us (me) feel like they’re not doing enough.

Then, there’s this sentiment: “We’re now living in a world that has rolled back many of the gains tht feminists made in the 70′s. Women are now, once again, responsible for being June Cleaver but more so.”

If I just kick back and become the slacker mom (a good read), will they be okay? I think so. I know I will be. “The Yellow Wallpaper” haunts me at times. I certainly don’t want to become that.

Despite what I know is good for me–not worrying too much about cleanliness, not overscheduling the kids, not being a supermom–I still think much can be done to alleviate the workload. Americans have the longest work week in the world. Flexible work schedules including part-time opportunities with benefits don’t just help families. They can help whole communities. Everyone needs time for a life, whether that life is with kids, other relatives, art, volunteer work. If people have time for a life, there’s more time to participate in their communities and/or contribute to it. That makes life better for everyone, don’t you think?

This makes me feel a little better:

In the car, Geeky Girl (5), explains that she was watching Static Shock and the bad guy was “smiling too hardly and it was really freaking me out.”

Then, I asked her if she was ready to be tucked in and she said, “Uh, hello . . . I’m not ready yet.” (You have to imagine the condescension yourself).

If you’ve ever read the Phantom Toll Booth, you’ll know what I mean. In the doldrums, no one can go anywhere. Everyone is just stuck. I sort of feel that way today. I had no real direction at work, nothing pressing and nothing interesting I wanted to work on. At home, the house continues to deteriorate, although we do have black socks now. I definitely have some sort of illness, not as bad as what the boys have, but I’ve been fighting it all week. Right now, I feel like I could pass out on my keyboard. I have lots of little things I need to do, but feel beaten down. I keep putting these little things off, hoping for a burst of energy. Not happening. The way out of this in the Phantom Toll Booth is that they start thinking about stuff and that gets them going. Right now, I don’t even think I have the energy for that.

That 43 folders thing–not gonna work for me. I know what’s in those folders and I don’t want to deal with it.

Taxes suck. Must remember to change W4. What tax cut is Bush talking about? Cause I’m not seeing it.

When you spend the weekend relaxing and organizing your work area, you end up without any black socks to wear on Monday.

Valentine’s Day. Don’t really celebrate it anymore. Never really did. It has now become a day to buy little cards and candy and try to remember all the names of all the kids in two classes. Or at least remember where you put the list they gave you.

my new desk! I promise a picture once I get to the finishing touches. We literally just finished setting it up. It’s huge–but I’m so happy. I don’t really care if IKEA isn’t real furniture. It’s so great for small places. I have my printer and scanner on the desk and there’s still room for books and papers as I’m writing. Yippee!! Have I done any writing this weekend? Well, no. But next week–you bet. I did do some much-needed reading which gave me some help with some parts of the book I was working on, so that’s good. And I spent a good deal of time with the kids, also good.

I’m watching Two Towers with the Geeky Kids. We’ve all seen it before–twice maybe. We’re all enthralled with these movies. We’re planning to read the books as well. When I was younger, I was enthralled by King Arthur. I read every version of the tales I could. My first R-rated movie was Excaliber when I was 12. What is it about these fantasy tales that captures our imaginations so? When I watch the movie again, I see so many parallels to the big questions of our time. What is worth fighting for? When do you join the fight? What is it that we all have in common that binds us together? How do you ward off evil? What is evil? Is it that the time and place is far enough away that we can begin to contemplate these questions? Or am I the only one who sees these questions in the movie? Does everyone else simply see a story, a fantasy?

Just now as the movie comes to an end and Frodo threatens Sam with his sword, my kids hold each other’s hands. “There’s some good in this world and it’s worth fighting for.”

I’m continuing to think about my space and have made some tangible efforts toward creating a better space to work in. The first step was getting AbiWord, which I’m liking, btw. Next, I’m working on the physical surroundings. I purchased some poster adhesive to put up pictures and posters. I like to change things around frequently, so I want to be able to do that easily. I went to IKEA today and bought a new chair and a lamp. I was going to get a desk, but couldn’t decide. The desks that I liked were about 1/2 foot deeper than my current desk and I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough space. When I got home, I measured and discovered there’s plenty of space. So Mr. Geeky is going to got back with me tomorrow and help me decide. I looked online at some “real” desks from “real” furniture stores and they’re all like $800. Can’t do that. The stuff I’m looking at at IKEA is about $150.

Of course, considering my money post, I feel pretty guilty about spending the money on this, but I’m planning to get all the money stuff sorted out in the morning. That’s what I do instead of going to church; I pay bills. Sad, but true. So tomorrow is bill-paying day and if it works out okay, I’ll get the desk and be on my way to real authorship.

I listened to the NPR report on the way home last night. I’m saddened to hear of his death. After reading “Death of a Salesman” in high school, I bought and read everything else he had written, one of my favorites being “The Crucible.” After that, I read Tennessee Williams, Harold Pinter, anything else I could get my hands on. It was really my first introduction to contemporary drama. I already knew I liked Shakespeare, having been entranced by Othello the year before, but I didn’t know until Miller that I could be just as entranced by contemporary plays. I went to see a contemporary play shortly after discovering Miller. When you live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, opportunities for such experiences are slim. I have been remiss, now that such opportunities abound, to take advantage of them. Perhaps this will be a reminder to appreciate this art more.